Living in Selston
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Nottinghamshire

Selston: a wonderful place to live if you like to make up and spread gossip, so long as the gossip wasn`t about you or your family. But, family is exactly what the people of Selston are. It is an ex mining village just off junc.26 of the m1. The most noteworthy thing about it being the church of St Helens and its tower, which is supposed to be 900 years old. There isn`t much to do around Selston, except play a short round of golf on the short little golf course, or dine out at the local chipshop cum Chinese restaurant, if you can put up with a drunk or two, disturbing your romantic meal by urinating outside against the window you are seated by.

There is the local pastime, a tradition almost past down from generation to generation, of sleeping with and breeding with your cousin or in laws. Hence the wonderful sense of family that the villagers pride themselves upon. This could be due, no doubt, to the considerable lack of outside female talent. Whatever female talent that ventures to move into the village is quickly set upon by the lusty local yokel males, who yearn for any sniff of skirt that isn`t their Mothers, Aunts or even Sisters!

In turn, any male brave enough to move into the village will find an abundance of doxies ready and experienced enough to get out everything at the drop of a hat, or pint, or a fag or two, provided of course, they don’t mind the handful of kids tagging along because the babysitter has decided to go awol and gotten herself pregnant too.

Continued Below

If you are man enough to let those kids call you daddy after only the first time, you will be set for life in Selston. Marriage is regarded highly in the village. Most marriages tend to last a whole lifetime, provided you can pretend that your eldest child is really yours and not your brothers or your best friend’s, who will without doubt be your cousin.

For the women, marriage is seen as a step up the ladder to respectability. No longer would a woman have to suffer the indignity of laying her bare arse on the cold wet ground of the par 9 golf course or on the hills at top of the knob, or under the local motorway bridge, because marriage can afford her her own house and bed in which she can cheat on her husband whilst he is at work, in comfort. Selston is indeed a happy place to raise children because they keep it close in the family there. Everyones`s related somewhere down the line, so if your wife cheats on you and falls pregnant, don`t fuss too much, you`ll know who the culprit will be, he`ll be at the next family gathering or funeral.