Living in Glasgow, Scotland
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Scotland, Strathclyde, United Kingdom

When I left Glasgow a decade ago, the Ned fashion comprised of a thin nylon tracksuit, trainers and baseball cap worn by a dentally challenged youth scrounging fags, drinking Buckfast and picking fights with strangers (their pack-like nature means that they prefer 10 Neds onto one passerby while shouting, as only hypocrites can that don’t know what irony means, ‘come oan, big man’).

Now that I have returned, I note that the Chav fashion still comprises of a thin nylon tracksuit, trainers and baseball cap worn by a dentally challenged youth (though presumably by their identikit offspring as this gene pool is weak and deficient in many respects but not in the realm of fertility.).

Times have changed but the only thing that stops me from having a perpetual Groundhog day is that when I left, they were uniformly rat-faced, poker thin and blue-skinned.

Now many of them are grossly obese, particularly their women (who cannot buy earrings as large as their face as jewellers do not manufacture Jumbo hoops). And often (and usually in tandem with this) their complexion is either orange or actually terracotta in hue, like they’ve had a collision with a tanker full of Henna.

Sometimes it is now possible to pick out your attacker in a Police line-up. Although the teeth are still all green, the hairstyles have got awfully dainty on these vicious Neds as they now tend to compete with each other to produce outlandish and unique coiffure. However, because of their tendency to violence, the public have tended not to point at them and say ‘his heed looks like the back o’ a guinea pigs arse..’ or ‘gay hair’.

The Ned has two career paths. One is to breed and claim benefits – 7 out of 10 of the working population of certain areas of Glasgow are on Incapacity benefit (and cynics would surmise that the remainder is either in Barlinnie, on JSA or in a maternity ward).

Sadly, the other path is to sink lower into Dickensian squalor and toothlessly quarrel with each other in town as they seek out the best spot to practice their sport of ‘polystyrene cup thrusting’ or ‘BO hurling’ which, for the tourists on this site, is the lowland DSS equivalent of the Highland games.

Both, which ever path destiny chooses for them, are distinguishable by their preference for casual sports wear, or occasionally, excessively distressed jeans. This uniform of fitness orientated clothing perversely operates as a kind of reverse tartan by making them part of the same McNed ‘clan’.

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  • Sort It Out!

    That would be patter.

    • shaggin yer maw would be patter

  • Ye Strange Wee Fella

    What’s all this guff about green teeth, are yee a denteel stewdent or sumfink?

    • yh bbz, Y u Nd Sm Treetmnt 🙂 LOOLZZZ

  • A Loud Fart

    No one’s gonna read your essay of horse dung. Cos it’s boring? I dunno, cos in my case it’s the fact I ain’t gotta a long enough attention span to read it.

  • Scothaggis

    Been in Glasgow many times worked and stayed up there often, there are good places and bad places , good and bad people for that matter.
    Macvnoodle you sure don’t like Glasgow folk much , sure you are actually from there ???. The majority of Glaswegins are harding working decent people , who are proud of where they come from and who they are.
    I stay in the three towns in north ayrshire typical saturday nite has neds running up Glasgow street with machetes so it’s not just Glasgow it everywhere ! Bad Sh*t happens to good people all the time , doesn’t mean everyone and everything is Sh*t in Glasgow.
    It’s has the best banter in the world mate.

  • just as bad as South Oxhey I hear

    • no as bad as yer maws fanny but

  • Ock eye,Ive lived here for many a year and the whole place is nothing but a we f**king sh*te hole to be sure,full of scum and real life Rab Nessbits.but much can be made of a Scotsman if he be caught young,before the evils of cheap cider and homosexual sex with strangers for money in public toilets gets a grip on them.Eye,I wish I lived in Cornwall,the Devil will nay come to Cornwall for fear of being put into a pasty dont you know?but Ill never be able to afford to go abroard.Your average we Scotsman is a lunatic its true,I canne disagree with that being a skitsso,but at least I have the choice to be in two minds about it.Eye its a sh*te hole for sure,so it is,your nay get any sence from any Scotsman here,gibbering idiots the lot of us,bumberling buffoons in kilts,a figure of fun for all to see,thats the only reason tourists come here is to see what f**king scum we are.As thick as a brick,alcoholic carrot topped,willy licking,sh*t smelling,cabber tossing,knife carrying,porrige munching scum.But Jesus loves us……………………………………everyone else thinks were arse holes.Standing on street corners is all we do,drinking Buckfast,mind you Im a respected member of our local park bench Tennants association…………………and Special Brew.No brain cells see?……………………p*ssed em all doon the drain by the time I was seven.I should have taken dads advice,dont leave the army son he said youll regret it,hes a great we Scotsman is Da,taught me everything I know…………………………….thats why I no f**k all.I could have been somebody if Id stuck it out in the Army like all my pals,even the Major said dont leave Hamish dont leave the army,its your home for life,three meals aday,its where your future lies he said,your made for the army.I no deep down he was right of coarse,straight out of school into Borstal then the army,its a family tradition here in Scotland,that and AA and wife beating.all my pals are in the army,all my family going right back as far as I can remember,da,his da,his granda,his da,etc etc all were in the army some still are.Eye now Im in a mobile home,in the high street,what a mistake that was a cardboard box,why oh why did I not listen to the Major,to late now,least Ive got a TV to look at,well a picture of one I cut out of a magazine.Sad realy,living in a cardboard box covered in my own sh*te and vomit looking at a picture of a transvestite……………………..least Ive got money……………………..enough money to last me the rest of my life…………………………………………as long as I dont buy anything.

  • scousebabe

    well i dunno which part of glasgow you were in but drymen is a lovely part of glasgow….