Living in Fareham, Hampshire
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Hampshire, South East

I have lived in Fareham my whole life, but it wasn’t until I was about 16 that I realised why there were so many buck-toothed-cross-eyed-chavs. Answer is that they are inbreeding. To be fair it’s not their fault, see back in the 80’s people were having a lot of one night stands resulting in unplanned pregnancies. 14 years later the result of those one night stands would be doing the same, however these kids didn’t know who their fathers were and accidentally shagged their half-brothers and half-sisters, 9 months later a beautiful 3-armed baby is born.

When in school ([a place a learning we can’t name for legal reasons -admin], a school which [allegedly] beat up the headmistress), I’d often ask my language teachers, “Frau/mademoiselle, why did you leave Germany/France for Fareham? Fareham a town next to the most violent city in England but pretty much the same, Portsmouth?”

My school days always had some entertainment though whether it was the student strikes in which was in opposition to mixing year groups in tutor groups, at first it was genuine protesting but soon devolved into groups of chavs running round the school shouting “play up Pompey!” then started smashing windows. At another point someone burnt down the D&T block by spraying deodorant into a PC. Another time I was sat in the library when some year 11’s broke in the back door stole a cushioned seat, when the librarian came back after giving chase she had the seat but not in one piece. The electronics teacher was also locked in a supply cupboard for 7 hours once by students. All in all it really brings it home for you when the drug dealer at the school is 11 years old.

So now you know the kinds of people that Fareham produces, let’s get onto the town itself, the town has a college in which nothing works and fires the student voice for notifying the college when things don’t work. If you’re looking for a beautiful girlfriend, simply don’t look there, anywhere but Fareham the further away the better.

For attractions there is a cinema in the town centre and a leisure centre just outside the centre, on the high street there are two Poundlands within 100 yards of each other, there was a music shop but thanks to the internet, they were forced to sell. There are many secondhand media shops and charity clothes shops, regular clothes shops but never anything of interest. There are a few good restaurants, if you’re ever here give La Orient a go, it’s a Chinese restaurant. There is a big library, but not for long as the council doesn’t grasp why books are important to society.

If you’re scared of accidentally coming to this town don’t worry there is a massive grey concrete eyesore of a tower that is the council building which you can see for miles in every direction so you’ve plenty of early warning.

Every now and then you’ll find some graffiti referring to something called the Fareham massive or the Fareham firm, these are either references to gangs or rival Homosexual clubs.