Living in Ashington, Northumberland

Ashington is now a necrotic ulcer on the nether regions of the North East

There is no room for idiosyncrasy in Ashington – a crime punishable by the mob. No gays, no goths, no new-romantics.

Living in Scarborough, North Yorkshire

The McCain factory looms over Scarborough like a potato Auschwitz

While many articles on crap towns rant about their local populace of chavs, Scarborough's chief sh*t-hole makers are the middle class.

Living in Stanley Crook, Durham

Stanley Crook – A place where no one lives and no one has heard of

There are no burglaries in Stanley Crook, simply because there are no shops and nothing of value to steal.

Living in Ushaw Moor, County Durham

Ushaw Moor used to be a nice place…

Ushaw Moor is home to, Druggies, Drug Dealers, Pyromaniacs, and 10 tab houses, and multiple sex offenders.

Living in Streethouse, Pontefract

Streethouse, or Sh*thouse as it’s affectionately known as by the locals

Streethouse: I'd nuke the place but the locals have mutated and evolved beyond the point where it would make any difference.