Whitehaven is a town of ****’s, not only today but years that have passed before without a name for it.

I lived in Whitehaven in the days on the MRP yes you have it, “the Mirehouse (pronounced Mirus) Rave Posse”, the Whitehouse was in all its glory with balcony and fake statue of liberty. Queue’s snaked around the murky green docks to get into the sticky carpeted Park Night Spot. The bouncers ruled and if you weren’t ****** enough you’re night ended there or if you had reached fully chavvyness hepo’s wine cellar beckoned.

Whitehaven has always been full of those top quality shops like Oxfam, the food weighhouse (where you scoop food out of bins) or Mark Tailors. Days gone by have seen fashion move from shell suits and scrunchies galore to Burberry caps, fake bling and drug enduced dark circles under eyes.

The air is filled with fresh air from the national park once with a lingering aroma of soap suds but always a slight crackle in the air of Radiation (only if you listen carefully ;o) )

Ambition in Whitehaven is to be married before the birth of your forth illegitimate child.

Boy racers rule the streets with body kits for all to see. Souped up cars and spoilers, speed humps on Strand Street have moved the racing from the streets to the super market car parks for that added thrill :os

Ah…good ol’ Whitehaven where ***** and proud mulletiers can be found to be standing side by side insulting anyone who dares to look up from the chewing gum carpet that is the pavement. Yes, we all love Whitehaven…that is why I am going to write a **** guide to a day out in the wonderful town of Whitehaven, here goes.

Begin your day at the newly established Lonsdale Centre (even the name will echo in the mind of the more esteemed of **** hunters as a **** and ******** brand)…Yes, there Playboy articles may be found, you can also find **** articles for your amazingly over-grown chavtastic garden, that is dole money permitting, of course. ***** can also meet and greet with their amazing friends outside an ice cream parlour, where after waiting for ten minutes for a fellow **** to get up with immense effort and work for their £1.50 an hour you can sit on smooth chairs where your shell suit will stand no chance of getting clicked and watch in amazement as your friend actually buys a nurse outfit (£0.50) from the exceedingly ***** costume shop for his loved ******** as their 6 weeks anniversary present (ah the wedding will be any day now). And as you sit and observe you will discover that some people can actually get their hair dyed at a hair dressers!!

Once you have finally recovered from that shock and your ice cream has been stolen you can venture outside to add to the experience that is Chavhaven by going to the “Bargain Madness” where you can buy cheap wine to your hearts (or giro’s) content. And if that wasn’t enough…literally next door to that is the amazing nine carrot gold safe-house otherwise known as Argos…but be aware unlike the two previous places you may run in to people who are not *****, if this is case, shout insults at them and make sure to spit at their non-training shoes, this will defiantly get the point across to them.

After you have purchased a weird clown necklace cross over the road (don’t mind the traffic light, those fools in cars will stop for godly chavness), and you will find an out-fitters who only stock amazing **** clothes at prices to match any giro! For those unfamiliar with the area this shop is called Le Chic (affectionately known as Le ****), here you will find all of your ***** attire, from bed clothes (knickers) to formal clothing (boob tubes)..Or for the male **** venture up the creaky stairs and you will find that you can choose from a wide selection of spot clothes. However, be warned if you are not careful you might have to pay for something in there as the eyes of the owner are so often found to be following potential shoplifters (everyone). If you are currently tagged and can’t risk another offence on your already long and boastful list simply venture out of the shop and wander on to the market (only open Thursdays and Saturdays) and there you can receive a five finger discount to your hearts content.

After the occasional spending of your hard-earned giro and disability money you can then satisfy the hunger in you by jumping in to your ****-mobile and driving a short distance to McDonalds where you can meet with your fellows and discuss how you **** up your next door neighbour because they were looking out of their window as you were looking in to see how many items of Burberry clothing they possessed and how likely you were to be able to rob them before your seven o’clock curfew (damn that tag). After your bragging you can show your chavtastic mates your stolen trainers from the opposite **** outlet otherwise known as Brantantos. Treat yourself to a free McDonalds (the manager is your brother who has done the family proud). Once your friends have finished admiring your freshly stolen attire from either Le Chic or the market and your wonderful jewellery feel free to drive your ****-mobile over to Lidl which is only a short distance away and round the day off with completely your alcohol shopping from Bargain Madness by actually purchasing some items…be warned this may come as a shock to your system, I recommend that you think about it carefully.

Well done now you can go home and give yourself a pat on the back! The police didn’t catch you; you can keep that disability now, well done once more!