AAhh, Walsall, the brilliant **** hole of the county, where to start.

Before you step foot in this town, it is a good idea to come in via car, or better yet, just walk into town, with a friend prefarbly, because when you drive in, and leave your car for a while, the likeihood is that it would have been nicked, and is streaming its way down to M6. So thats one warning.

Next, when you have arrived in town, it is advisable if you are **** spotting to have a laugh, I advise you to do it at the new art gallery, situated at the back of Woolworths, where you’ll be able to laugh at your own delight at watching them trying to nick goods from Woolworths. They won’t step foot anywhere near the art gallery as there seems to be force-field setup to prevent ***** entering it. Or, if you fancy a pint, you can also do **** spotting at the Wharf Bar, where they won’t dare go near, because of its force-field again.

However, as the rest of the town is protected by force-fields, you’ll find them at these following tourist spots in town:
* The shopping centre, where they all round together like a big group of ******* they are at the local pound shop, to buy their goods
* The Local boop, boop, booooooop, bop, boop, boop, I’m chaving it McDonalds where they swarn the place, inside and out throwing their big macs at each other and some poor sods that walk past it
* The local tesco, which is actually known to all locals as the meeting point in town when you meet up with friends. If you have to meet friends there, don’t stand there for too long, as a fight is bound to happen there all the time, between ***** or worse yet between a **** and a goth/rocker, which can escalate into a right scene.

Where else is there, oh yes:
*The bus station, next to St Paul’s Church, where if you wanna get onto a bus to Wolverhampton, otherwise known as the **** express, i recommend you find another means of transport, as your bound to end up getting mugged at on this bus by *****. But if you dare, you can always hop onto it and watch them nick their fake gold earrings from one another and nicking their cans of carling too.
* And finally, the night clubs in town can be a right pain in the ****, depending on where you go, the imperial is ******** with them from the entry to the back wall, so thats best cleared of. The Yates is teh same, where they’ll always be a guaranteed fight at the hours of 10, 11, and midnite, so grab a seat and watch the action from the varsity bar, as they don’t really go in there nowadays.

As for the rest, the WS1 bar is a good **** free zone, as they don’t tolerate any burberry ****, and so the ***** that don’t get entry end up having a fight with one another to keep themselves amused, while the ********* flirt with the bouncers, attempting to gain entry to the club.

So, if your near by, pop into Walsall, and take a look around.

I have had the pleasure of living in the **** haven of Walsall for over 20 years now and even ran a town centre pub for 3 years recently and i can honestly say that having traveled from the tip to toe of the UK with my job, Walsall must rank amoungst the top ten of **** towns and would surely be number one if it were not for the fact that the aspiring ***** of Walsall can not afford the required uniform “prison clean” trainers, naff 9crt gold tat and the like due to their inability to even be arsed to sign on JSA let alone get a job, choosing insted to raise funds by mugging one and all (including those of their own class)or dealing in the worst so called “skunk” known to man.
The ***** can be found all over the town centre, particulally ******* around, intimidating any one not dressed correctly or looking remotely “normal” at the entrance to the Saddlers shoping centre (not as good as it sounds) which is situated, usefully for the ***** opposite McDonalds, and with in spitting distace to Burger King. Inside the Saddlers centre the **** has a full range of shops from Argos and Index, the essential Poundland and a number of localy owned “boutiques” which offer a range of clothing suited entirely to the **** and no other( don’t need to detail this you know exactly what i mean).
For night time entertainment the **** is spoilt for choice with Wetherspoons, Yates, Bar sport (like standing on the terraces with beer and heating) a Revoloution (unlike any other Revoloution in the country, complete with dress code aimed directly at allowing the **** an easy enterance whilst denying anyone with an ounce of dress sense or style acess!), Chicago rock cafe and a number of pubs offering £1 in £1 a drink almost 7 days a week. All of which result in the town centre being awash with drunken, fighting, puking, shagging, mindless ***** and ********* arguing over taxis until at least 3 am thursday til sunday and a small army of council street cleaners to be seen from 5 am onwards working desperately to clean the mountians of half eaten pizzas, kebabs and puke from the doorways and footpaths before the masses desende and the vicious cycle begins once more.
I have tried other towns and city centres for a respite from the ever increasing blight of the **** but there is no escape and i can only face the future that the **** will ultimately rule with the minority of tomorrow being the forgotten majority of today unless we start putting somthing in there water.
And dispite all this i still make a living selling booze to the **** gits.
Sorry about the spelling, i’m dilsexic as **** and there is no spell checker on this thing, don’t hold it against me please!

I ‘work’ for Walsall Council, which brings me into contact with local ***** on a daily basis. A while back I was in the town Museum where I wittnessed a fine example of **** stupidity.
A local ******** and his Lizzy Duke wearing girlfriend had taken an object into the Museum for the staff to identify. From where I was standing it just looked like a lump of old glass- waste from a glass factory or something, but the **** was convinced it was some sort of precious Glass-Age artifact of great worth. He spent over 1/4 of an hour trying to convince the worried-looking assistants that there was a clearly wrought handgrip on the glass, which in his opinion was a ceremonial tool. Take it from me, the only tool in the room was wearing Burberry. In the end the Museum boss turned up to get rid of the Chavish Pesterers. It was very unpleasant.
Yesterday, going home to the slightly less Chavish Wolverhampton on the 529 bus (The **** Express)
a couple of young chavlings were cheerfully mocking the non-**** passengers (of which there were 4) for wearing ‘whack’ clothes. The ***** in question looked as if they were scared to breathe through their noses and were wearing prison-white trainers with their tracksuit bottoms tucked into long Argylle socks. Now the 99p shop has opened in the Old Square **** Chic has hit an all time low in old Walsall Town. Really thrifty ********* can even buy last seasons New Look one-shouldered tops off the dodgy t-shirt stall with the labels torn out for as little as £1.99. I don’t care what anyone says, Walsall MUST be the **** capital of the United Kingdom. Even our resident vagrants Ramsey and Bagtramp look upon them with scorn. The quicker *****, Whallers and Kevs are banished from our shores the better

Walsall lies somewhere or other in the West Midlands and its good people use the word “Kev” to describe a **** and “Shaz” to describe a ********. Where I live, on Jesson Road, a kev free area, luckily, leads on to round the corner where all the kevs live. There seems to be some kind of forcefield that stops them walking down my road, which is fine by me, except for when the odd one slips through and kicks my wheely bin at 2am.

As I walk down to the city centre, I pass bluecoat school, a breeding ground for kevs and shazzes, it is lots of fun to shout at them through the gates when one has a day off and they don’t. Theyb all bunch together and wave their burberry knives at you, waning to attack you. Then there’s Walsall town centre, where I’ve spotted such fashion mistakes as a burberry phone holder round a fat woman’s neck, and a burberry pair of trousers. The fountain and steps surrounding it are awash with burberry by day and night, luckily, that’s where all the pigeons go to ,well, ****, so occasionally one leaps up shouting nahhhh man, you gonna get banged out stah! to everyone’s amusement.

Another epidemic sweeping the town is the mini-kevs. These are the funniest beings known to hang around the fountain, they’re mostly about 9, and attempt to steal things from you, and claim their older brothers will batter you. They can also be found ******* around “Oysters”, the local fish and chip shop, or outside the off license near the chocolate box.

The buses are no better, the one time I decide to climb upstairs on the 51 with 3 friends, 3 18 year old (ish) kevs walk up to us, one clearly sponsered by reebok, and force us to sit at the back of the bus with a knife just being taken out of a packet. Such is the stupidity of Walsall kevs that the main kev cut himself on his own knife when taking it out of his pocket, and failed to search most of our pockets, therefore trusting our friend to be honest over whether he had a phone in his pocket – he didn’t turn it over.