I wont give you a huge tour of all of stevenage but i will give you a warning about a part of it where i used to live.

CHELLS

steer clear! the Glebe in particular is and has been for some time a wasteland. The glebe is just a small group of shops near a primary school.Charming. These shops include the following…. Pizza/Kebab in 1. Fish (of some unknown origin) and chips, a Martins, a Pearce’s Bakery, a Barbers, a Hair Salon, A Ladbrokes, an offie, a Londis, and a pharmacy amongst other small ****-theif targets.

Nicely situated between 2 dykey pubs, the Squirell, which is coincidently next to another grimey cornershop, and the other pub which has had more names than a **** has had ****. Currently named the Chells Family Pub, it intices young decent families in with its offer of smoke, booze and a sunday carvery that i could prepare better and cleaner if i had just been working for SBC cleaning up last nite’s puke stains.

So all in all….most evenings include people with the collective IQ of a duck getting slaughtered, puking on a stale kebab or pizza, (depending on how much money they could steal) and then venting their energy on the nice primary school which i used to go to. Thank God it put 7ft metal fences up.

Beware of the guy who you will no doubt see patrolling the streets of Chells. It matters not to him what time of day it is, he always has beer in hand, its amazing he isnt unconscious by lunchtime.

Oh and there is a small bike store in the Glebe, the target of much graffiti. There are also the ‘Glebe Gang’ to watch out for. Take that duck mentioned earlier and put it on who wants to be a millionnaire. It will waddle away with more money than the ‘glebe gang’. They are SOOOO clever that their double-digit IQ got one ****** by falling off the rooves of the flats above the shops when they were drinking.

Enjoy Chells

Stevenage, the definitive **** breeding ground. The town centre is awash with cheap sportswear, fake brand names ‘gold plated’ jewelry (which to a **** obviously means it’s worth more, innit), cheap beer/cider, cigarettes, 14 year old **** mothers dragging their equally gormless and squalid offspring aimlessly around Tesco’s attempting to steal Value nappies, ‘crews’ of 3 or more teen **** males, strutting in a rather lolloping manner, a large queue outside the Dole Office and the choking growl of a 1984 Vauxhall Nova on its last legs scooting around the carparks and roundabouts.
What pathetic nightlife the town has to offer includes Pulse and Vogue, where 35 year old **** divorcees go with their 15 year old daughters on the pull, Cobarna, which is supposedly for over-18s but would be better suited to over-12s, Jumpin’ Jacks, The Chicago Rock Cafe and Exchange. All bar Cobarna are situated in the hardly lesiurely lesiure park. Despite the introduction of The Chicago Rock Cafe and the italian restaurant Ask (you won’t find any ***** in here – to ‘posh’ for their liking. Aroma is about as classy as they go) in an attempt to bring a little class to the place, the park still remains the Fight Club and Vomitorium of the weekend.
If you’re too skint/young to enjoy the chills and thrills of the clubs, there’s always King George’s park. It is not advisable to walk through it on a Friday night, as you may get pounced on and clawed at by a few pissed 14 year chavslags. Sometimes the girls manage to convince a couple of passers by, normally **** 20something males, to stay, go to the offie, buy them some vodka and enjoy the festivities on the promise they’ll all recieve a ******* at 11pm, half an hour before the chavslags stumble to the kebab show then home, throwing up in a bin on the way.
By day, the ***** congrugate beneath an underpass somewhere in their appropriate council estate. Bedwell, Shephall, St Nicks, Pin Green, Roebuck, Broadwater and Chells are the main seven. All have been at war with eachother at some point, groups of **** males travelling from place to place on a stolen moped to ‘batter’ someone.
Travel to the outskirts of Stevenage and the **** population diminishes slightly. If you ask me, you should go there and keep travelling.

How right has everyone been about this town, but for a couple of things the gangs of the 80’s & early 90’s were to be feared, but thats about as far as it goes. Unfortunatly being this hell hole i’ve had to witness at first hand the dramatic change from somewhere ‘remotely decent’ to pure gutter filth. No one should be worried about the Super-***** when they are on there own any self respecting person whould have a field day on their own. The problem arrises when there’s more of the ********.

I would also like to add that Stevenage’s **** population is increasing dramatically as believe it or not the ‘Bright people’ have got the right idea & got out while they could before they have been shackled down with children at the age of 12. But a word of warning if you go there don’t be overly worried just make sure you have a handy pocket map can run very fast & vault well & that you don’t drive anything other than a Vauxhall Nova. Big up to the Nova & scooter crew ‘TWATS’

whenever i go into town they are usually ******* out outside mcdonalds or on a bench somewhere.In Bragbury End loadza them hang out at the underpass near the shops,just shouting at anyone that goes past,trying2act hard an start a fight. They hang out there with there crappy scooters,wearing there burberry gear,adidas trackies,sovereign rings,sky blue nike caps(they all seem2wear them),they probly go jd sports alot ha,surrounded by loadza **** chavwear should be called **** sports now. There are loads gangs in stevenage aswell with stupid names like shephall massive or the oval lot,haha soo stupid. I hate this town.
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Fame
Two films – Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush, Boston Kickout – were set in Stevenage and don’t exactly paint it in a favourable light.

Ian Poulter, the golfer who wears stupid trousers, also comes from Stevenage, although he’s so proud of his roots he now prefers to say that he was born in Hertfordshire, wherever he thinks that is.

Twinned with:
Hell

Fashion/Lifestyle
If the Eighties was the decade that style forgot, then Stevenage is the town that taste, intelligence and humour bypassed completely.
Elizabeth Duke’s cheeky sovs, one for each meaty knuckle, ***** slouchy boots for the girls and prison white trainers for the lads. Burberry, Von Dutch caps, shoot me now please.

Nightlife
Pulse and Vogue or Pukey and Vomit in the Leisure Park are the two main clubs – one is for the over-12s, one for the over-45s.
Full of ***** and chavslags, most of whom think you need a passport to get out of Stevenage.
So dark in each that finding the bar can be a mission, although that could be because because no unchav could ever enter that place short of being pissed out of their skulls. For those on the pull (you really that desperate?), be warned. Due to the lack of light and over-abundance of *****, when the lights come up at the end of the night, the screaming begins.

Leisure activity
Gathering in groups outside the Oval, or forming chavtastic gangs called ‘lots’, according to their pathetic **** Stevenage sub-region. Such as the Pin Green Lot. Woooh. Scary, eh? Not exactly the hardest gang name in the world. But, like LA’s Crips and Bloods, they have their own walk, or shuffle – to the dole office once a week.

***** also like ‘Barrying around’ in their ***** cars, scaring grannies witless and doing ‘drive-bys’ with the amps turned up to 11 in the Leisure Park pumping out Fiddy Cent or third rate R&B.

Although the introduction of speed bumps all around the Leisure Park a couple of years ago meant a couple of lowered suspensions were lowered permanently. Which was amusing.

Other nightlife
Jaks, Chicago Rock Café, possibly one of the most soulless places on earth, Spoons (x2), Maccy D’s (x2), KFC, Burger King, Lidl, TK Maxx, JJB

Town centre
No-go zone after dark. High chance of getting jumped by ***** ‘Woryewlookinat?’ or ‘Yewlookinamyburd?’ their favourite clarion calls before your head gets caved in by 20 Burberry beauts

Redeeming characteristics
None

Stevenage – it featured in the film “Boston Kickout” – and didn’t come out of it very well. The Town Centre is full of *****. Beer bellied Dads(and Mums) all a-jangle with Elizabeth Duke, screaming at Bailey, Paris and Keisha while waving their Lambert and Butlers.
Scaring the **** out of the local wrinkly population while running round on motorised scooters, giving their mates a good kicking (“Bi’ of a larf, innit?”) ******* round bus stops and local shops making a bloody nuisance of themselves and skiving off school are the hobbies of the teen *****.
At the weekend young ***** go to the Plaza or Leisure Park for a booze-up and fight night. Having a piss on the nearby station platform is a favourite pastime as they wait in drink sodden lethargy for their train home if they live out of town. Pools of vomit and urine greet commuters on Monday morning.

Stevenage – our motto is “The Heart of a Town Lies in Its People” – well, it doesn’t say much for the people here. ***** 70%, “Normals” 20%!

Further to a previous mention of the fair town of Stevenage (Britain’s first New Town… the cracks are starting to show) I’d like to add the following comment:

Last year a national radio station described Stevenage as “devoid of culture”. Furious journalists at the towns bizarrely right-wing local rag “The Comet” immediately issued a rebuke, suggesting residents write in with examples of culture they had seen. No one replied and the issue was quietly dropped.

One of the worst things I have ever witnessed in Stevenage is a baby left outside the local off-licence with a Rottweiler tied to the pram!

To my surprise many of the inhabitants have the same knowledge on geography as Jadd Goody from BB3.

Practically every woman has a dolphin or a rose tattoo. Most of the men think it’s cool to be on probation & going to prison is the first time they have left the town.

Most of the children have 10 different step fathers by the time they are 5, and all of them have been named using the **** baby name converter.

Stevenage is full of teenage mothers, 30 year old **** granny’s & bling bling granddads. Near the clock tower in the town centre, there are many ***** shops like pound saver & shoe saver. Ironically there‘s hair dresser’s called *****? How about renaming it totally classes!

Truly one of the most disgusting shanty towns on the plant!

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Original Submission by Lawrence

It’s not just for the 1000’s of teenage mothers that Stevenage is famous for. There are all the usual **** kids and parents in tracksuits and burberry, nice steel green necklases around the town, but, they aren’t even up to date with it. What the ****’s in Essex will be wearing this year, you can bet that the ***** in Stevenage will be wearing in 2006. Next year I predit an outbreak of Nicholson polo shirts.
A couple of weeks ago walking through the town I actually had to look around quite hard to see who was shouting “what you looking at?” at me.