Sidley is a dingleberry ******* off Bexhill’s backside. Just hop on the horrible bus from Eastbourne or Hastings and you’ll find yourself in Heaven. The lively town centre boasts a Co-op, two hairdressers, a Danny’s Discount Store, two pubs, a garage, and an off-licence. Oh, and a SureStart centre where inhabitants can learn how to tell Mayfair from Sovereign and Carling from Stella.
The local school is Bexhill High. Most lazy students prefer to take the bus rather than face the 20-minute walk after their breakfasts of Mars Bars and Coke, but you can always see a couple of becapped BMXers scaring pedestrians on the way.
On Saturdays, all they migrate to Bexhill town centre, where their parents train them in shoplifting, or alternatively they let them loose on the local newsagent’s, where they can practise looking old enough to but ten Royals or a bottle of ‘Breeeeza’.
At 5pm, all the pensioners scurry home and bolt the doors, and the train station fills with ne’er-do-wells with their vicious bulldogs. Here they practise mugging and bottling each other. The Devonshire Arms allegedly fills with fourteen-year-old girls trying to a vodka-and-coke, and the benches on the piazza outside you’ll find ne’er-do-wells swigging White Lightning. And after midnight we see them staggering home to Sidley waving their bottles and chanting 2Pac songs. The more adventurous may joyride home and then park the car in front of their own houses ready to be arrested in the morning.
Recently, the newsagent in Sidley was held up. the robber got his hand cut in half by the Sri Lankan owner wielding a samurai sword. However, because the jury boxes in Sussex are filled with racists, the robber got off and the owner got jail time.
Every day after 5, we see them lurking outside the local pub. The Pelham Hotel is too classy for this- so they sit on the wall outside the White Hart (?can’t remember the name?) where the bus shelter used to be. This was demolished because they kept jumping on the roof.
Ah, Sidley. What would we do without you? I know. We’d save the government about £10 million a year in Benefits.
