On any Saturday, you would be mistaken in thinking that ***** of the world have all taken a pilgrimage to this chaviest of towns. They seem to begin their worship by the fountain, then, in a sea of fake burberry, they make their way down to the real temple of worship….McDonalds. If you get in their way it can be incredibly dangerous as the sparks off the man made fibres of their kappa/adidas tracksuits, may cause your clothes to ignite. Indeed, the **** girls have to be especially careful due to the sheer volume of hairspray they have had to use to scrape their hair back into a half permed pony tail.
As with all good **** towns, there’s an abundance of very cheap supermarkets and shops. I believe the favourites to be Iceland, Asda and Kwiksave. The favourite **** clothes shop has to be Bewise, so much so that when they complete the new ‘shopping mall’ they will be adding a second Bewise. Clearly the first one is unable to keep up with the demands of the populous.
All Nuneaton chavsters (like any decent, well respected ****), enjoys perusing the delights of Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and in some pubs bouncers will bar you from entering unless you are wearing a clown pendant with moveable limbs and a ring with your intials or mum/dad on it.
As nightlife goes, they have a choice of two nightclubs…Modo and the newly renamed Liquid/Envy. As every **** loves a good fight, be it boy or girl, both clubs have become firm favourites, and older, middle aged **** ladies can be found grinding on the dancefloor in their seethrough tops. Actually they can be heard first, as the lifetime of gold jewellery they have collated rattles together.
The Nuneaton skyline also needs to be mentioned. The beautious Mount Judd once seen, can never be forgotten. The fact that it is made entirely from rubbish from the tip, is neither here nor there.
The accent is pure treacle i.e. thick. A proper Nuneatoner will never pronounce all letters in a word, for instance, I’m going down into the town’ is pronounced as ‘Uv guwin darn tarn’. As you can see, it’s a serious contender for the crown of most romantic accent.
So if you wish to visit a place that’s beautiful to look at, fun to go out in and is great for shopping, then I suggest you visit Edinburgh.

Lets be totally honest here….Nuneaton is a haven for the ***** and ********* of modern day.

Anyone living in (or in close proximaty to for that matter) Nuneaton, will be well aware of the hangouts of the little blighters.

Take the lakeside bowling alley….you would think a semi decent place to play bowling. But oh no not in Nuneaton. The ***** have arrived! The place has an ‘games area’ as many bowling alleys do these days. This is the place where the ***** take their ********* on their first date (and many more judging by how many were there the other night), to play on the dance machine, have a game of pool and drink slush puppies. if they are lucky they would have managed to sneak in a bottle of cheap
vodka…(normally called chekoff) and will be slowly getting twated on ‘vodka slushies’. To this day it is the ONLY bowling alley i know that requires bouncers….i kid you not.

As well as the well reknown ‘Mecca’ for ***** that is Maccy D’s, Nuneaton also has the ‘car park’. Generally speaking this is the car park of the old homebase shop round the back of the main nightclub in Nuneaton.
Many a **** will sit there on a weekend night with ******** (complete with gold hooped earrings and denim belt – sorry mini skirt) in their fiesta xr2, vauxhall nova or ford escort (with the body kit maaaaaan). Their speakers and ‘sub woofers’ will generally be belting out the latest Tim Westwood collection at such a volume, that its a surprise their ‘rust bucket’ is still intact. Although to look at it you wouldn’t think it was anyway. They will also be drinking wkd or cider, and sounding their horn at anyone that dares to pass the car park.

And for the more mature (and i use this term losely) *****, there are two famous **** watering holes…these being Chiccos and Modo. Chiccos plays mainly the ***** choice of rap and heavy R and B music, mixed in with a large dose of glassings. From there (if you make it out of there alive), there is Modo. Again playing the ***** choice of R and B music. The place started off with £1 drinks, but this soon changed. The owners soon realised that the **** gets a large sum from benefits these days and were getting themselves so twatted on cheap booze that it was becoming too
much of an effort to scrape them all off the floor. Or each other for that matter.

And the saddest thing??? my ex is a **** and my sister is a ********.

Ill go and hide in shame now thankyou.

Where can you start? Nuneaton is a lovely, economically-depressed town, where the **** community is really starting to thrive. you can see the wonderful **** creatures ouside any Spar shop, usually smoking, drinking cider, and chanting “OI, GOFF!!” or other verbal abuse at any misfortunate person that happens to walk by. In the area that i live a whole gang of the ‘bleeders congregate in a damp, small subway that is covered in graffitti and smells of piss. you can tell these come from a ‘better’ area though, because they have enough pocket money/dole money to buy lambrini and on the odd occasion, WKD! oh how i love to walk through on my way home and get greeted by them staggerering towards me with boozy breath, and saying things such as “owight mate – gorra ***?” or “gizza light” – the best thing to do is just keep walking.
In nuneaton you can find the **** youth of today in the following areas – outside macdonalds, the carpark of a club know as “Maddies” – this is where the older ***** that have cars hang out, and corner shop, occasionally the fountain in the town centre, but not much these days. Find anywhere that has a wall, with an off-liscence near it, and you will find *****. If you ever come to nuneaton, be sure to visit the following Housing Estates – Camp Hill (“tramp hill”, “Racoon city”), Black a tree ( “Smack a tree”), Stockingford (“Stocko” “The ‘Ford’) and Hill Top (need i say more?)
I shan’t write anything else about Nuneaton incase a **** reads this and discovers my true identity and beats me up.
Thanks for reading, and come visit one day!

Nuneaton – home of the Gibbs Aquada, the world’s first decently fast amphibious car. But it is also home to something even more impractical and pointless – a vast army of Adidas-clad *****!

The town centre itself is absolutely littered with the buggers during the day, all the 10-14 year old **** kids who’ve ditched their school uniforms for their “minted trakkies, man” for the day so they can go skiving, drink about half a can of stolen beer, and then pretend to be drunk. Within the town centre itself, the fountain near Topshop is a good place to find them ******* out, giving you filthy looks as you pass. Also during the day, you can see great big herds of cows wandering the streets – stupid cows that is, all aged about 15 and each with a baby, sometimes even two.

For older *****, it’s best to wait until a Friday or Saturday night. Then, you can see all kinds of monkey business as the 17-25 year old **** apes get let out of their cages (or rather, the pubs kick everyone out). Bottlings, streetfights, bar brawls and car theft are just some of the playful fun and frolics you can see on a typical Nuneaton weekend!

Moving away from the town centre itself, you can find Camp Hill. Or rather, Tramp Hill as many call it. This is one rough estate, it’s as rough as a freshly-sandpapered badger’s ****. Graffiti and boarded-up windows as far as the eye can see. Hairy, butch, knuckle-dragging slobs roam the streets – and those are just the women! It’s every politician’s nightmare, and is often ignored by the Council, such is the badness of it. In Camp Hill, you can find ***** pretty much anywhere but one of the best places to see ***** in action is round by the shops – they often wait for old ladies to come by to mug them. It’s a dangerous place – never go alone, especially at night. For less dangerous *****, try Stubbs Park on the outskirts of Camp Hill. The ***** go here to get blitzed on booze and drugs, so they probably won’t have the hand/eye co-ordination to hit you.

These are only the highlights of Nuneaton. Nuneaton and its surrounding areas also have many more problem parts not mentioned here……the area is now striving towards a new goal in life – to get onto the coveted 50 Worst Towns list!

I reckon at this rate, the town will have no trouble achieving its target!

This is a town where the chavsters reign supreme. The men are crowned with fake Burberry caps in White Lightening ceremonies in the local kiddies parks. Girls have two goals in life: to get pregnant by the age of 16 and to buy as much jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos as possible.
McDonalds is considered a gourmet restaurant, and Diamond White is their champagne.
Girls like to make their hair as flammable as they possibly can, and the local Netto regularly has to order emergency supplies of hairspray.
The local sport shops brag that they order the largest supply of tracksuits in the country, a fine array of which can be seen outside McDonalds on a Saturday morning.
Lastly, I cannot fail to mention Nuneaton’s fantastic skyline. The most amazing sight being a huge mountain, next to the tip, which is made entirely of rubbish, called Mount Judd.
***** of the world, Nuneaton is your ancient holy ground.