Ahh Newquay, the ultimate **** experiance. No townie worth his fake burberry untill he’s visited this hot bed of spied activity. The streets are lined with old nova’s and the beaches and hotels are packed with *****.
But it wasnt always that way. Just a few years ago i went down to cornwall for the first time and stayed in Newquay for a few days and loved it. The streets were clean, the shops were devoid of signet jewelry and the beaches were coated with pure white sand. I loved it so much that i came back a couple of years later with some friends. But to my horror Newquay had been invaded by the *****, and, seeing that the once tranquil seaside town was clearly no longer suitable for human habitation, we went to st.ives instead.
Not happy with decimating one picturesque resort, the drones of scallies have now begun to move west and are decending on st.ives. The bolder hood **** are now to be seen creeping around the streets in the dead of night, obviously preparing the way for the next invasion.

The ***** are coming and nowhere is safe. St.Ives is next.

Of all the towns and cities I have visited in this green and pleasant land Newquay has to be the least green and least pleasant. The town which seems to come up most on this site seems to be Redhill, and I agree that it is a particularly ****** area I stayed there for a while (a bad idea I know) and was surprised to find that my car had not been stolen when I came to leave. However the other big surprise was how many filthy chavsters I heard screaming about how they love Newquay. Everywhere I have been I have overheard burrbury jesters squawking about what a “mad” place Newquay is.

Newquay can therefore be seen as a sort of Mecca for the **** population. Every weekend there is a massive influx of youths in novas and burrbury sales go through the roof the streets become littered with burger wrappers and L&B butts, vomit adorns every wall and urine can be found in every doorway.

One of the big draws of Newquay is the beach and the surf. Well it’s really not worth it over the weekend, as the beach becomes littered with needles, glow sticks, burger boxes, used condoms, reefer ends and other **** paraphernalia. If you must go to the beach I suggest after high tide has had a chance to wash the **** away.

It is also interesting to note how careless ***** become in this town, Every time I have been to this hole of a town there have been mobile phones and jewellery littering the streets. Some examples of things I have found include Mobile phones, rings, bracelets, necklaces, ubrelas, push chairs (fortunately empty), hats, glasses, complete sets of clothes, shoes, caps, BB guns, car keys, herb, pills, powder, wallets, money, handbags, car ashtrays. The list is endless.

Newquay is the finest place in the world to exchange debilitating STDs, I suspect there are one or two new STDs completely unknown to medicine if you care to look for them.

I have yet to discover a car park in Newquay, which is not full of with smoke filled novas doing the occasional hand break turn. And the bushes around the car parks seem to be filled with people sharing STD’s with 13-year-old mothers.

Of course the worst time to visit is the end of May when the annual Run To The Sun event takes place, you can always tell which weekend its on because of the number of broken down Volkswagens along the motorways of England. While the main core of this attack on Newquay is surfer types (nice guys a bit dim at times…) it also attracts the ENTIRE **** population of the UK. If you want to see how bad a town can be chavised then RTTS is the time to see the results. However it is advisable to view this event from a distance.

So in conclusion Newquay is a town to avoid.

Just imagine you have a picturesque fishing village on top of a dramatic Cornish cliff. How do you oversee its development?

Well if you are in Newquay you build loads of drab looking hotels and guest houses, fill the high st with loads of tacky arcades and cheap surf shops and generally make it mega appealing to *****!

Indeed the only good thing this place does for Cornwall is keep all the ***** out of the rest of the Cornish holiday spots with the exception of certain holiday parks.

When the ***** do come here in their battered Ford Sierras and Modded Peuguots instead of exploring what is one of the UKs most attractive coastal areas they park the car outside their ****** hotel, which more than likely has frilly net curtains in all the windows purposely made yellow to make them feel at home, and spend the whole week getting pissed at the bar or dragging their kids round the afformentioned arcades.

We try and visit Cornwall at least once a year and we are always railroaded to visiting this chavhole at lease once by the children. A few weeks ago we were on one of these breaks and found ourselves in Newquay one day when the weather was a bit mediocre and it seems to get more popular with young groups of ***** every year. During the short time we spent on the beach I couldnt believe the number of tracksuits and Burberry caps we could see and of course all the empty lager cans chucked in the rockpools. It seems all the Middle England kids pretending to be in California have deserted this place for other resorts now.

We never stay after dark but I think it is a safe bet to say that they all get shitfaced in the numerous tacky funpubs where Lisa Riley clones scream with laughter every time they order a ‘Screaming ******’ cocktail!