If you wanna see *****, then you have to visit Morecambe.  Then again, I wouldnt go unless you had a desire to be mugged, spat at or dragged in to one of the many drug dens.

Morecambe used to be a great place where people would go on holiday every summer.  Now it consists of a market, an ex catalogue shop, woolworths and a whole range of ****** burger joints that you really should not eat from.  Then again, theyre probably safer than going anywhere near the needle-wridden beach and the probable toxic water from the power station up the road.  Its rough, really rough.  You can always play spot the pramface though, which is always fun.  Or spot the stripey jumper/rockports/socks tucked in adidas pants/caps pointing up in the air…..the list is endless.  Just try not to touch anyone if you ever go there, who knows what you might catch ;-(

Morecambe. A place where the only big-name shops are Tesco, Iceland and the ever-present Argos. Take a trip through the Arndale centre (the ‘classy’ shopping arcade) and you will see all the usual **** hangouts… discount fashion, discount shoes, off licenses and sweet shops for convincing Chardonnay to go to the Post Office accross the road with mum for her giro. On the seafront Morecambe boasts an impressive array of bars offering various **** diversions – karaoke being popular. A Wetherspoons also opened recently, and is already the pub of choice for those wanting a fight.

Out of town, there is a McDonalds (of course!), conveniently sited next to the Heysham Bypass – a long, wide road perfect for burning off those 1.2 litre Nova’s and Saxo’s with all your similarly gorilla-like mates. Leading off the bypass is the industrial estate where wasteland exists in sufficient volumes for nicked cars to be burnt out by night.

for the upmarket ****, visit Happy Mount Park just before closing time, so you can have an argument with the park warden about kicking you out. Then you may spend your time in the car park at the back in a huge group getting pissed on White Lightning from the Booze Buster near the station. For a bit of fun bring along the Nova and rev to your hearts content – sometimes the police will come and move you on, giving you the fun of mouthing off to an officer, or showing off your driving skills.