My home town is Middleton which is just outside of Greater Manchester and is home to the most **** sucking ***** around!!
According to my parents some five-six years ago Middleton or “Middy!” as ***** call it used be a really nice and peaceful town before the ***** invaded!
How ***** came to invasde us……..some four years ago a huge fake gold bling bling came crashing down to earth with eminem blaring out of it. it slowly opened and out stepped loads of *****, ********’s and Chavlings (a ***** kid) and so ***** came to inherit Middleton!
First you have the area in which I live. It is a small council estate called Hollin. Ooposite my house are some blocks of flats which are occupied by, yes, you guessed it……..*****!
Then you have the shops near my house. this is a very popular hang out spot for local ***** to hang out and ask people to go into the shop to get them “ten lambert and a bottle of cider or I’ll get me cousin to knock you out!” in other words scaring the local residents and shouting “GOFFFFFFFF!” To anyone seen wearing a black hoodie or baggy combat pants…….trust me, i have fallen victem to this abuse!
Every now and again the local ***** burn a car out. From my bedroom window I can see a flume of black smoke from behind a hill and loads of ***** descending down their. I dunno it must be some kind of social gathering to watch a car burn……..How exciting! And then the smell of burnt rubber and exhaust fumes linger in the air for days afterwards.
Every friday and saturday night you can see a gang of ***** ******* around near the shops acting all drunk and high and getting off with Shaz who will open her legs for anyone for a bottle of Lambrini.
A ***** favourite tipple has got to be either cider or lambrini. If they’re feeling rich ie their Sickness Benefits and Child Benefit has just come through then it’s definately alcopops!
A **** lads typical uniform cinsists of a pair of Nike tracksuit pants that are tucked inside their Daffy Duck socks and with a HUGE pair of them daft Nike shocks trainer thingies! Then they were a dark coloured Henry Lloyed or Fred Perry Hoodie with a base ball cap with the peak facing North or North West. Around their knecks they wear fake gold thick chains along with soveriegns on their fingers and a gold bracelt they must think they’re Mr T! Oh yes and another thing that confuses me about these strange creatures……why do male ***** always walk around with their hands down the front of their pants? To protect what little manhood they posess!
Male ***** also always have big huge bright red love bites on their necks and think they look like studs with this great big awful things on their necks bleh!!
The ********* are just as bad! A ********* uniform consists of skin tight denim jeans with them daft furry boots that look like yeti’s feet. They tuck their jeans into the boots. A tight fittng denim jacket is worn and is only ever buttoned up to just underneath their padded out bras. ********* seem to have a HUGE problem with forgetting their own names as they have to where these gold chains that say Gemma or Jenny on it just in case they happen to forget their names lol! A ********* hair is always slapped to their heads and tight in a HUGE bun at the back of the head. at the front they have these two long bits ******* down……why? They favour silver eyeshadow with loads of thick mascara and stink of Charlie Red perfume. ********’s keep their belongings (or stolen goods) in a Burberry bag or a Louis Vouton thingie bag and clutch is close to them under their arm pits……like anyones gonna steel a ********* handbag!
***** have a certain style of walking. they walk as if they have a bad case of piles, a severe balance defect and with their mouth half open.
Should you piss a **** off in the street then he will take out his aggression on a post box.
***** like to hang out at bus stops and smash the glass…….it probably gives them some sense of power when they smash a window or write their name in marker pen on the glass.
an why oh why do ***** always have wierd nick names like “Smiffy” or “Jonesy” or “Stotty” or “Doddy” ? ? ? ? ?
Middleton town centre is a wash with *****, ********* and Chavlings at the weekend. When a **** is shopping or steeling in Middleton then there’s three places a **** can eat….McDonalds, Greggs or Hamsons. The most popular sight in Middleton is seeing a **** walk around in his/her/its uniform scoffing a meat and potato pasty in a paper bag and saying “Orrrr this is well nice!”
ISL Lifestyle, Simon One, Argos, The In Shops and The Poundshops are a ***** favourite place to buy I mean shoplift from……mainly because their own kind are emplyed in these kind of shops.
On a week day you can expect to see ********* pushing around a HUGE graco pushchair with a young Chavling insde drinking a bottle of bright red juice and an elder chavling riding on the back of the pushchair whilst mummy ******** tries to push the buggy up the road to the Sure Start club to claim her free milk tokens and get a discount on Pampers baby dry nappies and to chat to other ********* about whos shagging who and the latest gossip on Footballers Wives. The ******** wears three quater legnth skin tight pedal pushers to show off her fat ****, a pair of worn out rock port shoes without socks (eewww) some fake gold rings that she stole from her neighbour and a huge oversized Helly Hansen waterproof coat. after the sure start meeting it’s to the family planning clinic to get The Pill and twenty free condoms and also a check up on her genital warts.
Now she is off to the job center to sign on yet again. Her eldest Chavling (Kiaren) starts to play up so she gives him a packet of Jelly Tots to calm him down but the sugar makes him even worse.
“I want McDonalds!” the chavling screaches as they leave the job center with yet another Giro cheque. Mum ignores him until he starts kicking a lamp post and ruining his brand new Nike Shock trainers.
Mum threatens to “KICK HIS ******* HEAD IN THE LICKLE ****!” but she caves in and buys the bratt a McDonalds to shut him up and threatens to tell dad about him…….if she can figure out who he actually is…….her fourteenth birthday is such a haze these days!
When a **** gets board of Middleton then they hop onto the **** Express and go to Rochdale or Manchester. Bus number 17 is the **** Express. If you get on this bus then you will see three ***** or ********* oocupiying the back seat whilst writting KEV WOZ ERE LUVIN GEMMA 2K5 and rolling a spilff up. A double decker bus is the worst! The ***** occupy the upstairs of a bus and woe betide you if you dare to sit up stairs!
A ***** car is one of those kitted up Fiesta type thingies with blacked out gangter style windows and a bright blue light shining on the underneath onto the road. A **** sits with the drivers seat pushed as far back from the stearing wheel as posible so he can just about see over the dashboard. He plays Eminem, 50Cent, Ja Rule, Ashanti, Jamelia and **** knows what else blasting out of his sound system and trying to rap along to it. He beeps his horn at any ******** who is wearing tight pants or a skirt and yells something to them in his native **** Tongue.
***** like to drink……no **** duh!! ********* get dressed up to the maximum so they can try and get served in Witherspoons. They were a short tight denim skirt with them daft furry boots, a top that if she bends over her **** will fall out and her hair is down and straight, usually greasy and with split ends coz she straightens it too much. Also she has huge roots where her natural dark brown colour is growing back and her bleach blonde hair is fading. She has a very dodgy looking tan from spending too long on the sun bed or applying self tanning products so she looks like Dave Dickenson from Bargain Hunt =D A ********* top is always one that shows her midrift off, she breaths in so to stop her flab from having two babies to two different ***** from ******* over and her pierced Belly button looks very red and angry.
The ******** enters the pub with her fellow ********. The approach the Bar together. The bartender asks them for ID. Of course they don’t have any ID as they are only fifteen so they get chucked out by the bouncer but not before mouthing off to them in some kind of freaky Chevette Language! Trust me, this is very funny to watch =D
If a ****/******** actually gets let into a night club then they drink nothing but alcopops and then go and show off their drunken moves on the dancefloor.
***** seem to have wierd ways of dancing, the ‘Box’ dance is very popular although recently they have been favouring the Stacking the Shelves dance becasue after all, most of them work at Tesco stacking shelvs anyway?!?!?!
The ********* seem to think they are Christina Aguwhatever on the dnacefloor. Shaking their ***** to How You Like Base and thinking they’re dead sexy. it’s at this point i think “****! What the **** am i doing in Sol Viva?” and get my **** down to Siberia instead safely away from these creatures!!!
You can tell when a ***** phone is ringing as its non other than the crazy frog…….BA DING DING DING DING DING DING DING BAAAAAA BODOM and they all huddle around this mobile phone laughing at it and tying to imitate it……JUST ANSWER THE ******* PHONE YOU *****!!!!!
Right well, thats my view on *****. enjoy!!!
