Since I started working in Middelsbrough I have noticed the tidal flow of ***** flowing through the town. I think they must all stay in Hostels at the far end of town, when I go to work in the morning they are all just gathering, they then spend the day wandering around drinking Lambrini and special brew. Lunch time they all seem to be blocking the entrance to Mcdonalds, but not actually going in. By the time I am going home they seem to be diminishing and it is only the very hardcore who are still milling aroud with their scabby dogs still drinking and pestering pigeons before returning to whence they came before starting again the next day.

Assignment = Student, Duration = 4 year stretch in the Boro. Upon viewing our new residence for the next 4 years, (at uni) my girlfriend at the time exclaimed, ‘it looks just like Coronation Street’.

Yeah – more like Mad Max Thunderdome Street.

In the 4 years i spent there i generally saw it all. Crack dealer neighbours, teenage junky ***********, lots of coppers doing jack-**** about the ‘diverse’ activities of the next generation of hooligans, used tinfoil/needles/condoms outside my house, but the funniest memory for me was the Shellsuit fraternity – ******* everywhere.

There is not one place on this earth where you can see a cornucopia, neigh, an unimaginible vista of shellsuit diversity. Every ****** wears them. There are the usual burberry monkey types, (mid-thirties guys riding BMX’s built for 6 year olds) wearing them, & the obligatory ‘pram brigade’ of under 16’s but i have lived in many places and nowhere else has this high a ‘shellsuit ratio’ – even grannies wear them.

The corner of Union St was where i saw most of the action happening, drug runners, prossies, under-agers all up to no good. I never had to watch TV , i just looked out of my window – absolutely hilarious! I’ve seen battles/scrapes, prossies fighting, young team smashing phoneboxes, (i ******* hate BT as well), but the best one i remember was with loads of cops & the fire brigade attempting to coerce a right ‘englebert’ junkie into handing himself in. (Which was quite hard as he was on the roof of a row of terraced houses and they had to ‘negotiate’ with him via a cherry picker and megaphone).

Doubtless to say, he took a bit of ‘reeling in’ and i’m sure the cops got their pound of flesh when they got him into custody, but like i say, you don’t need a TV licence to stay there.

To be honest – i never got any **** from the locals in all my time there. YK Chow’s curried specials helped to keep me going, (i was a student remember) and the Western Club was a dream. Never have i had the pleasure of drinking in a men only bar, (the only birds in there were the ones pulling pints), (mens lounge seats around 200) with an endless flow of beer for about 90p a pint. I have never been to a pub anywhere in the UK where you can spend around £15 on a night out – and be absolutely caned and go home with a couple of spam fritters – minted.

I now stay sawrth of lahndahn, and to be honest – we have ***** here, but they are ***** compared to the quality i experienced back up north. The Boro team were much more entertaining than these southern nancies & would eat them for breakfast.

That’s all folks

Thank you and goodnight.

Esperanto

Where to start…
Go to any estate, any area of Middlesbrough and you will find 70% of the residents are complete *****..
Some of the more popular **** areas are:
Hemlington
Linthorpe
The avenue
Whinney (Bronx) Banks

Lets take Hemlington to start with, Was once a nice place, with lovly resident, it even had a hospital!
But car crime and burgalries took over, Now its a horrible place.

Linthorpe, Espescially the Parliment road area.
Its a **** breeding ground!, terraced house’s as far as the eye can see, all complete with unemployed pregnant 15 year old couples.

Whinney banks, 90% of the house’s are boarded up, the estate is to be knocked down as far as im aware, If not, they should put a big wall around the whole area from West lane right down to acklam..