I guess i am lucky in the fact that i managed to escape the stinking ******** that is Hull a few years ago.God help all of you still trapped there.

I worked as a store manager for a shop in Hull City Centre, and all the time i lived there, i have NEVER met such a **** set of utterly ***** people as the **** ****** **** of Hull.
Every day, myself and the assistant manager used to have a bet on the amount of shoplifters that we were going to have that day.
I could mention some of the tricks they used to get stock out of the store but there are too many to list.
The worst ares we found for ultra-****-ness had to be…

The petrol station on Anlaby Road opposite the blocks of flats. -Just PREY you never need petrol at 2am on a sunday morning!

Prospect street – wall to wall chavness as far as you can see.

The legendary ‘maccy d’s ‘ – that must score the ultimate in chavness due to the fact that several ****’s died through od’s in the toilets (Two down, several thoousand to go!)

The Mac d’s drive in on St.Andrew Quay – these ***** must be uber-***** as they have C A R S but i use that term VERY loosely. They have more plastic pieces of **** on them than the entire production line at Lego. (hmm, sorted?….i dont think so pal!)

As someone else mentioed in an earlier post, the nightclub for the vermit has to be L.A’s.
Now a friend of mine who lives in Hull used to work there and he has told me some stories about that piss hole. The only time i went in there was on a works night out, and within minutes, someone (La coste shirt, hmm must be a good dealer then) started to eyeball me. then came matching over asking me if ‘u gotta ****** problem?’ in the worst soundin fake american gansta accent i have ever heard. His ‘*****. ho’ was the funniest thing i have ever seen. how the hell her skin was not snapping with the force pulling back her hair, i have no idea!
More gold or should that be ‘classy gauld’ than Mr.T
sovs on every finger on both him and her (hmm, REAL classy!)

Oh, and lets not forget GINO’S – Their advert should read…Need a fight? any night you want, just pop in. Our customers will always be on hand to help ‘kick yer ****** ed in’ , Saturdays are our peak season and we always have a line of people ready to take you on.With A&E a short walk away, or a ride in a NOVA or SAXO then its the perfect end for your **** night out.
Sorry, but due to us been in a row of shops we have no back alley to help you shag whatever 14 year old you have ‘got off wiv’ .

Of cause, the MECCA for ***** (check out that word *****, you may have to ask the next person you stab what it means) had to be the legendary, now saddly closed …TOWER .***** were not as developed then but i’m sure this HAD to be the birthplace due to the **** and villany that used to go there.
What can you say about the place?

Well, i’m looking forward to the response to this, especially from anyy ***** using a stolen pc or laptop. But then again, there are too many BIG words on here for yopu to understand.

Ahh Hull, **** town of the North. Giro city, Incapacity benefit state of the UK – what a wonderful town for the hard working, honest man to live in….. amongst the burberry clad, cap on head (raised at 35 degrees for some unknown reason) **** with a gelled fringe glued to forehead and scarf over my mouth people that infest the city centre. You can GUARANTEE around Post Office opening time on Jameson Street and giro collection in person at Britannia House that you will see them in abundance because they are all mysteriously (homeless) i.e-homeless in Hull means (“me MAMS kicked me out and I stop over at a lasses on Orchard Park or Bransholme with 6 kids all by different dads, and she is expecting a 7th to me to accompany Britney, Whitney, Courtney, Billie-Joe, Callum, Brooklyn and whatever name they can find off Trisha or Kilroy and I need to be as near to me MAMS as possible, even though she kicked me out????)

Our taxes have to fund these raggamuffins unfortunately, and maybe the most distressing sight for a hard working, tax paying person is being stood behind a **** in the queue at Jacksons who wants his 10 Lamberts and a packet of blue Rizla with his shellsuit or tracksuit on that is littered in ‘hot rock’ burns (cheap dope that deposits burns through the cheap fabric) – and then says to the 65 year old assistant “cheers darling” – do these people have any social dialect or skills? I was raised to respect people older than myself, and only use that terminology when damn sure of being older than the person you say it too!!

It is easy to spot a **** in Hull – the lads have some form of cap (usually stolen and branded and the security alarm will ring if they dare enter Debenhams) they are gaunt people, like vicious Hobbits (Gollums if you like) with humps on backs, yellowish skin, 6 stone, sleep in corner of eyes, will say “wot u lookin at silly ****” if you dare to cross their vision path with your eyes – and “arll knock ya owt u daft ****” if you look twice – but fear not – stand up to these people and they usually back down if they aren’t in a gang – the reply of “come on then silly ****” usually confuses and disorientates them into complete submission, but if there is a chippy nearby doing doner meat and chips for £2 you had better run like **** because this is **** dominatated area! – The only way out of a beating then is “can you spare us 10p mate please coz I need a bus to town to get me giro” which is sympathy understood in the legions and commonly recognised as being the lowest form of human life possible so sympathy is automaticlly offered along with 10p to get the **** out of there! The **** lads have a love for cheap jewelry also – cheap gold is a must if you want to shag a ********, anything classier will confuse them, but the baseball cap MUST be at 35 degrees or they won’t get a shag.

The **** lasses are even more laughable – they wear jeans that their body cannot physically take and want to burst out of – skin tight 14 jeans when 22 wouldn’t lie about them – they seem to hold hands a lot when there are 2 lasses and hover around bus-stops, £2 doner meat and chip shops or Jacksons to bug everyone that goes in asking them if they will buy them some cigs or beer – the cheap Elizabeth Duke gold is also in abundance – cheap HOLLOW teddy bears and such around the neck with cheap sovs and HOOP earrings that your mates parrot would have a field day with – the reason for the cheap hollow teddies is that they are light and convenient! Imagine a £5,000 chain that is heavy around the neck – it would be like doing a days work to the ***** (swear word) and it cannot be cashed once per week at the post office like the 8lb lump inside them germinated by that kid off Orchard Park who had the gold tooth, shaved eyebrow and burberry cap with Calvin Kaline boxers(yes fake boxers) but she won’t know his name, but he was a good laugh???? What the **** stupid lass? You have a lifetime of bringing up an ******, vicious and violent child without a dad (ok many pretend dads you will see along the way) but when you grow up and blame everyone but yourself and hate police officers – take a look at yourself **** **** – it ya mams fault!

Even thought Kingston upon Hull is one of the top ten largest Cities in England most people are lucky enough not to know it exists.

Hull is a City made up almost entirely of Council Estates and as such must have the country’s highest concentration of ****, a short drive around the City (Windows up and Doors locked) will show the wide range of ***** that have prospered under the control of the Labour Council. The ***** on Hulls estates are now so loathsome that they don’t even want to live near each other.

There is a saying in these parts that the best thing to come out of Hull in the M62, and when you look at Hull’s contribution to the World such as John Prescott and Dan from Big Brother I must admit it is true

The Council and several other public funded organisations are trying to re-launch Hull by lying their arses off or ‘spinning’ the truth as it is now known so here is my guild to Hull

The Spin

A wealth of architectural heritage blends with innovative design to create a modern, vibrant city centre full of character …

The Truth

Most things where flattened during the war and it would have been best to leave it as the Germans left it. The modern City Centre must refer to the Princess Quay Shopping Centre that is supposed to resemble a sailing ship berthed in the Princess Quay Dock, it actually resembles a shanty town in a stagnant puddle. It is however full of character but it’s the kind of character that you would cross the road to avoid.

The Spin

Hull is a city of contrast.

The Truth

Yes the contrast with the rest of the normal world is startling

The Spin

Take time to discover the emerging destination of Hull

The Truth

Thousand of tourist travel to Hull every year, the get off the ferry and leave Hull by the quickest route possible. The council are trying to get people to stay in Hull longer and they have achieved this to some extent by putting 4 sets of traffic lights on a 200yd stretch of road on the way out.

The Spin

Visit “The Deep” the Worlds only Submarium.

The Truth

Of course they are the Worlds only Submarium they made the bloody word up

The Spin

The rate of teenage pregnancies is dropping in Hull it’s now only the ninth highest rate in the UK (down from forth)

The Truth

The Chavetts that are not pregnant before they reach their teens are so ugly that even ***** won’t shag them.

The Spin

Cosmopolitan cuisine to suit all tastes & pockets

The Truth

That will be Maccy Dees, Burger King and KFC then

The Spin

In its centuries-old role as a European port, Hull has never done better. Trade, already at record levels, is getting a new boost from delivery of the world’s biggest ferries

The Truth

Yes the drugs trade is doing nicely thanks.

It could be said that Hull is a total dump and would be better used for some sort of “Escape From New York” style prison without giving the local peasants a chnce to leave before building the 30 foot high, razore-wire topped walls.

However this is unfair. How could such derogatory remarks be made about a city that arrives at first place in so many esteemed league tables? Such as; teenage pregnancy in the UK (and ergo the EU); number one spot in “**** Towns: The 50 Worst Places to Live In England” and now the obesity capital of the UK. Do such accolades come easily? I think not, unless you have the gift for apathy, mindless vandalism and staggering stupidity inherent in the average post-war Hullian.

Many is the time, during my years at this fine town’s University (Hull, not Humberside) that I recall the local urchins wishing me well with sticks and stones as I sculled (rowing) down the river. They were even pleasant enough to visit a number of my friends to relieve them of the burden of materialistic posessions.

And who could forget the fragrances, the heady mix of fish, the tannery and the cake factory without which no self-respecting northern ******** would be complete.

As General Melchette said, when given the choice; “Of course, Oxford’s a right dump!”