Ahhh sunny hartlepool, it used to be famous for just one thing; In 1700 odd the bright citizens of the town were astonished to see the wreck of a french battleship, the only survivor being the ships mascot, an african ape. Being the type of village where sleeping with your sister was the preferred way of bringing children into the world, the elders of the town came to one conclusion, The ape was really a french spy, and must be put on trial. Strangely enough the ape couldn’t defend itself and was therefore sentenced to death by *******. Or so the story goes.
I personally believe that the ape that was washed ashore all those years ago must have been clad in burberry, and instead of being ****, was allowed to breed with the denizens of this charming port. This is the only explanation for the ape like **** mutants that infest this town.
For those of you who have never sampled the delights of Hartlepool allow me to give you a brief tour.
Upon entering Hartlepool, (from the north we have newcastle and durham and the south we have middlesbrough, great **** hangouts already mentioned elsewhere) you will be greeted with the majestic “Central Estate” whereby on any given weekday daytime you can easily spy several wandering specimens. clutching cans of carling from one of the 2 Netto like shops you would have passed within the last 400 yrds.
Moving further into the town proper you will pass the upmarket section of the refurbished marina to the left. You will also notice the callcenter buildings which pass on white lightning money to the slightly brighter *****. But on the next half mile of road you will be able to spot;
1. Mcdonalds
1. Burger King
1. KFC (Kentucky fried ****)
1. Matalan (Clothing for *****)
1. ASDA superrstore (open 24 hours for you ****-venience)
and of course 1. Football ground (for **** violence)
Assuming you have survived this foray into wilderness you will have finally reached the town centre proper, If you gaze to the right you will see Church Street, which during the day is deserted, because it is merely one long street of rough pubs and dangerous clubs.
But if you look to the right you will see a lovely looking gothic building set behind a working fountain. Don’t be fooled because this building is in fact the Wesley Night Club, which is the main hive and breeding ground for the saturday night *****. That’s right ten pound in and all the drink and std`s of your choice. But don’t worry because in the basement of the Wesley there is another bar, where it’s only a pound a pint.
but if you can ignore the wesley. and I suggest you do, you will see on the road opposite the club, our fantastic shopping centre Middleton Grange, which although small, boasts a security force of over 50 people. Upon entering you will see an Argos first followed by an o2 shop followed by a gamestation. These shops are then repeated ad nauseum with the exception of the two poundshops which face each other. The ***** are so bad in the shopping centre that even the poundshops need security.
Here we can also see McDonalds no. 2
This is about it, there was a bookstore but it had to shut through lack of trade.
So weave in and out of the pushchairs as you leave middleton grange.
As you leave Hartlepool (passing McDonalds no.3 and the group of sk8r *****) please feel sorry for the 12% of the population who actually hold down jobs.
In short come to Hartlepool. It’s great!
