Eastleigh sits on the northmost border of Southampton and is the **** capital of England. Twinned with Chavville USA, Eastleigh is a true armpit of a town!
Regular coach trips to the twin town were set up but then cancelled until someone could work out why the bus kept sinking.
The usual array of crack and smack heads exist amongst whom the vocabulary extends only to the words “innit?”, “izzit?” and “got any gear?”, it is therefore imperative that you must keep your house nailed down and your head screwed on or they will be stolen by the time you get back from Alldays with four cans of Heldenbrau Super and ten Red Band!
Wetherspoons deemed themselves too classy to open a pub here so it’s role has instead been filled by ‘Lucky Jims’ where beer flavoured water is less than £2 a pint and the entertainment calendar boasts a DJ protected by bullet-proof glass complimented by some of the worst, god-awful karaoke singers this side of the galaxy.
Eastleigh lakes and the River Itchen are the two main conservation areas of Easleigh where shopping trolleys and old bikes can be seen relaxing in their natural habitat. Local folklore suggests that a WW2 submarine rests at the bottom of the largest lake having gone astray en-route to Luxembourg for refuelling.
At weekends Easleigh comes alive with *****, all wanting pretty much the same thing, to lay wrecked on anything they can get their hands on until as late an hour as possible. Assisting this process is the ‘Home Tavern’ who’s late licence is some consolation to the fact that the town’s only nightclub ‘Earth’ plays nothing but RnB music and normally has less than 5 Easleigh residents at any given moment, the remainder of its clients travel from neighbouring Croydon which lies a short 85 miles to the north-east. This conspiracy against the local ***** seems to work well with tear gas only having been used once here in the last 5 years!
Nightlife is loud and loaded but for the more serene of us this is less than satisfactory, in fact, the only way to get ‘a quiet drink’ in Eastleigh is to cut off your ears and jump in the lakes!
Eastleigh isn’t all that multicultural, in fact the number of black/ethnic people here actually doubles on a Friday night with the weekly mass-exodus from Croydon. To try and inject more culture into the town Eastleigh has an annual music festival which is headlined every year by Rolf Harris.
Rolf is a favourite here as his deep, meaningful lyrics stimulate the intellect of even the ********* residents, some ***** even spend as long as three weeks before the festival working on their ‘how to blag my way in for free’ plan. Most of the female ***** eventually come to the same conclusion and sleep with Rolf to avoid paying the £2.50 entry fee.
Well, that’s Eastleigh, I could go on all day but it really isn’t worth it, saffice to say that Eastleigh is on of the ********* places on the planet and should be avoided at all costs!
