Welcome to Burnley!! I returned from Uni the other day to find Burnley in an even worse state than when i left it 7 months ago. Burnley has been taken over by THE ****.

The ****
The male and Female usualy appear out of McD’s with a cap that is quite obviously a Burnley Market knock off version of a Burberry Cap we then look to the T-shirt and find them wearing a Hackett top or a bright bink sports t-shirt. We then look at his trackies Le Coq Sportif (The Sporty ****) and then wearing a pair of RockForts.

The Jewellery

One Pierced earing for the man and as many sovierign rings he can fit on his fingers and a gold chain so’s not to look tacky. The woman Big Hooped fake god earings and as many pieces of scrap metal posing as rings as she can get on her hands.

The Night Life

Paradise boasting to be the best bar in the world. If this is the best bar in the world u aint going to go to a bar ever again.

Xcess – Pilll heads and ******* fight every sat nite with police and ***** no arrests so they hav one the nxt wk.

The **** problem
the problem was never that big we had them but didnt see them until the council in its great wisdom got rid of the goth’s and the skaters. Basically ppl were pissed off because skaters were ******* round the bandstand and trying to skate and this pissed every one off so the council built a skate park and but bars round the band stand to stop skating.But Little did we know the only thing saving us from the **** invasion was the goths. Once the goths left town the ***** came in their thousands beating ppl up robbing old ladies selling ppl chariet leaflets for 3quid with 0.5p going to chariety and the rest going to the *****. We have been swamped by ***** and the only hope for Burnley the Goth and his many minions.

Burnley
Inhabitants : *****
Race : Not human as we all know that god made humans in his own image and it would be a sad outlook for christians across the globe if he was anything like these *****.
Music : Trance with a bit of brian adams thrown in for the alternative *****.
Shops : Poundland (average *****) Wilkinsons TK Max (up market *****) Woolworths
Restaraunts : McDonalds Pizza Hut Weatherspoons (2 4 5 quid u know )
Clothes : Burberry Hat (fake) Footballs/sports shirt
trakies and rockforts (knock off rockports)
Night life : Paradise (far from it) Smacks (thats all people get there) Posh (more like common) Sallon bar (coz its like the wild west in burnley)
Politics : Racist because its easy to scape goat minorities and say they are taking our jobs rather than admit they dont have a job coz they are lazy twats who live for fridays and Giro day.

A meditation on more pond life. Well you all know where the ***** are now, draw a line from MacDs to the dried up “feature” fountain in the pedestrianised area and you will fall over herds of the little ****** bags.
Oddly Burnley used to be home to humans.However any town where the over 40s think “smoke on the water ” is music, is sick to its soul.It also struck me that the pedestrianised area is the only place outside of a deeply impoverished 3rd world slum that I have smelt the cloying mixed odour of rancid fat,excrement and sulphur.Trust me on this-I love certain cities in the Far East but people there happen to be really poor and try hard – aint their fault ,here its who f*****g cares.
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Okay, we’ve had a nomination for Burnley as a haven for the ‘****’. Here’s some evidence to back it up.

The description of this section requires that I make it funny. There’s nothing funny about Burnley’s embace of **** culture.

It sometimes pains me to be a fan of Burnley Football Club. We’ve not had much luck against Balckburn Rovers recently but, for example, who else would smash up THEIR OWN town after a heavy defeat? More recently, where else in the country would a so called ‘fan’ invade the pitch, ask one of the hardest players on it for a fight, run away from the police and violently resist arrest. On national television. One of many morons in this town, this guy was already banned from football grounds. He was in trouble at Blackpool, hmm, local rivals, and was in trouble again at a Milwall game. Yes, Millwall, renowned for being handy with their fists themselves I believe. Coincidences? You’d be a fool to think so. All part of the Burnley ‘big match mentality’ of going to see them play rivals or teams with notorious fans and get in a fight. Oh yeah and racial abuse. They’re good at that as well.

Apparently he was drunk. Maybe from an afternoon spent at the Australian theme bar, the Egyptian theme bar or even the Wild West theme bar.

Oh and to the guy who knocked Paradise Island. Good on you. Heard a bit of indie whilst out one night (only five or six songs mind – some cretin soon requested good old trance), Charlatans, Primal Scream, Mondays, the Jam, even Radiohead!!!. Imagine being dragged out, expecting **** trance music then the dj starts playing MUSIC YOU CAN ACTUALLY DANCE TO. so you dance. and people have the cheek look at you like you’re ****. Oh yeah, we get **** clubs giving us the ‘rock’ section by playing oh so alternative Green Day etc as well as the Bon Jovi/Bryan Adams power ballad combo. Why are they always played together? It’s always Summer of 69 followed by Living on a prayer or vice versa. Who thought that that would be a good idea? I rest my case.

Okay, we’ve had a nomination for Burnley as a haven for the ‘****’. Here’s some evidence to back it up.

The description of this section requires that I make it funny. There’s nothing funny about Burnley’s embace of **** culture.

It sometimes pains me to be a fan of Burnley Football Club. We’ve not had much luck against Balckburn Rovers recently but, for example, who else would smash up THEIR OWN town after a heavy defeat? More recently, where else in the country would a so called ‘fan’ invade the pitch, ask one of the hardest players on it for a fight, run away from the police and violently resist arrest. On national television. One of many morons in this town, this guy was already banned from football grounds. He was in trouble at Blackpool, hmm, local rivals, and was in trouble again at a Milwall game. Yes, Millwall, renowned for being handy with their fists themselves I believe. Coincidences? You’d be a fool to think so. All part of the Burnley ‘big match mentality’ of going to see them play rivals or teams with notorious fans and get in a fight. Oh yeah and racial abuse. They’re good at that as well.

Apparently he was drunk. Maybe from an afternoon spent at the Australian theme bar, the Egyptian theme bar or even the Wild West theme bar.

Oh and to the guy who knocked Paradise Island. Good on you. Heard a bit of indie whilst out one night (only five or six songs mind – some cretin soon requested good old trance), Charlatans, Primal Scream, Mondays, the Jam, even Radiohead!!!. Imagine being dragged out, expecting **** trance music then the dj starts playing MUSIC YOU CAN ACTUALLY DANCE TO. so you dance. and people have the cheek look at you like you’re ****. Oh yeah, we get **** clubs giving us the ‘rock’ section by playing oh so alternative Green Day etc as well as the Bon Jovi/Bryan Adams power ballad combo. Why are they always played together? It’s always Summer of 69 followed by Living on a prayer or vice versa. Who thought that that would be a good idea? I rest my case.

Although I have searched and searched again for this beaut of a town on this site, it would seem that Burnley has not yet been found guilty of the crime of “chavness”. That is until now. Burnley must now stand up and be counted.

During the day the pathetic excuse for a town centre is heaving with prime specimen *****.
The usual identifying features are prevalent here just as in other **** dumps. Examples include: Burberry caps exposing pasty spotty faces (due to poor nutrition and over indulgence in the **** staple diet of “Maccy D’s” and/or KFC), also, Adidas/Nike “trackies” tucked into Rockport boots. All the usual **** shops are within walking distance of each other: TJ Hughes (not one, but two floors), TK Max; Primark, What Everyone Wants (should be called What Every Scrubber Wants); Wilkinsons etc etc. One unique (perhaps) shopping experience to try is the local Woolies – no matter what time of the week you visit you can guarantee it will smell of stink bombs. 100% guarantee on that one.

Burnley nightlife is pretty special. Start off with a lovely microwaved meal in Wetherspoons – it’s two meals for a fiver most evenings. Many Burnley ***** eat there every evening to save them ever having to learn how to cook. Move on to one of the delightful local hostelries – choose from “Smacks” (could be named after the bargain basement price class A drugs available or fights on offer – not sure), the hilariously named “Posh” or perhaps “Paradise Island” – this pub even has a sign in the window claiming to offer the best nightout in the world!!! Word to the wise – don’t look at anyone or speak to anyone, even if you’re only saying “excuse me” to get past them. You have been warned.

The local schoolgirl heroine is Coleen McLoughlin – her ability to wear all current fashions at the same time is greatly admired and imitated by many Burnley schoolgirls. If she can make it, so can they. If you do dare venture into Burnley (day or night) you’ll see the influence of **** queen coleen on the women here.

An interesting **** feature that is worth mentioning (that is exclusive to Burnley) is the “Barden dot”. This is a tattoo comprising of a dot on the hand between the thumb and forefinger – homemade of course. The ***** would probably have liked to have tattooed their name on to their hand but most of them cannot read or write because they were “well ‘ard” and skived off school from the age of 9.

I may write again at a later date with more observations. If this little piece has whetted your appetite then feel free to visit. You’ll find Burnley just off the M65 – located between Blackburn and Colne (also featured on this site). Just ensure that you don’t visit Burnley during the first two weeks of July. This is the local holiday period and all the ***** will have pissed off to Veronica’s (Tenerife) for two weeks of fighting, contracting sexual diseases and sun bathing in 100 degree heat without using suncream.

Burnley or Turdston as its locally known, has a joyful array of budding teenage *****, with criminal & antisocial tendencies leaning towards theft, arson & hazardous driving. The latter being performed regularly in & around the town centre car parks littered with joint ends & chip papers. Whilst the lucky few parade their boil ridden ‘*******’ in battered Escorts for all other incumbents to salivate over, the remainder exhibit their harridans on the main street between the towns 2 central restaurants BK & MacD’s. Of course a more hideous beauty pageant couldn’t be imagined, even at a serious burns clinic, however the dull array of cheap shiny polyester & knock-off man made fibre outfits give the centre an alarming & sinister charm.
If you visit, mind your pockets, its worse than Barcelona.