Have you ever been to Bromley?  It’s that big borough of London, just between Crystal Palace and Orpington.  It’s a conservative-run town, so you know who to blame for the huge problems this town has.

  Bromley is one of the chaviest towns in London (I say one of, it’s not the worst but it’s not **** free; far from it).  Thanks to all the encouragement by the conservative party (we really appreciate it, you f*cks) they swarm into the town centre in their hundreds.  They come all different shapes and sizes, and they’re all one huge problem.  The number of times I’ve been attacked in Bromley by these twats is astronomical.  And not a single person does anything about it.

  I’ll tell you about one time.  I was with my mate just outside the Swan & Mitre (a rock n’ roll pub, how ironic) waiting for one of my mates to come meet us.  We were sitting there about 5 minutes when this group of about 12 ***** walk towards us from the alley.  First they ask us for a spare ***.  I didn’t smoke at this point, but even if I had I would have said no (one *** means the whole packet).  Then they wanted to search us.  One of them came for my bag and I pulled it away and said “What are you doing?” and he was like: “Shut the f*ck up” and smacked me straight in the head.  Then they all jumped in and started beating me.  They didn’t even take anything, they just wanted a bloody fight.  After they had finished pummeling me, they went on to the park where a group of my other mates got mugged by them, but it wasn’t even just the 12 that had started on me.  They’d got about another 10 of their mates to help with this attack.  They **** one of my mates up and stole his phone, digital camera and money, they stole about an ounce of hash off my other mate and they just tourmented my other mates.  It’s not good.

  Another time, I was walking with my girlfriend, my mate and her sister (all girls).  We were heading towards Bickley from the Bromley Civic Centre and we started walking down this alley.  The girls walked off ahead because I was using a phone and then these 3 huge boys come running over to me.  They were all breathing really heavily and psychotically.  I guessed that they were on coke from the way he was talking to me (at about Mach 10).  He asked me where I was from, and then the girls walked back and he said to me: “Hey! Why are you gettin’ your girls to come over like dey gonna start or something?  Like dey gonna back you?”  I said to him that wasn’t the case.  This just pissed him off more.  “This is startin’ to get me angry, yo” he says to me.  I was watching him clench his fist.  He asked me my name, and then he said to me: “Are you crazy, bruv?” And without anytime to think, he thumped me straight in the chest.  This was just a warning blow though.  So I thought to myself, I’m not gonna win in a fight against 3 coked-up ****** ********, so stepped back from him and said: “Look mate, I don’t want no beef.”  But it didn’t matter what I said.  They all jumped in and started wacking me in my face.  After a while I just turned away and put my hands over my head.  They then said to my girlfriend, who was hysterically crying at this point: “If you call the feds on us, we’ll come back and **** him.”  Such lovely people.

I knew I deserved it.  I knew you deserved it.  I knew we deserve this kind of un-needed bullshit from every tracksuit wearing ****** with a problem.  Why do we need to be berrated by people as we’re walking down the street?  Sometimes its groups of 10 year old kids throwing eggs at us, or getting their bigger brothers to come “beef it” with us.  So yeah, if you’re thinking of coming to Bromley in the future, try going somewhere half decent, like Central London.

Ahh chavism has now enterterd a new dawn, at least thats what the last dawn said when commenting on garys latest affair! No but seriously, bromley is an ecclectic mix of posh and poor trying to be replicas of posh and becks. A popular gathering spot is the ‘new’ walkerbout’ pub, where many ***** like to go, to show off there lastest sweat bands, von dutch t-shirts and hoxston ‘w#*!?r’ fin style haircuts. But do not allow yourself to be momentarily stunned by the aray of mullets, as you put yourself at risk of blindness from a swish of an hair extentsion. To the pubs in bromley ***** are a god send, as there perma orange tans, (men and women) from bed or bottle, radiate there own illuminous glow, thus reducing the need to switch on any form of lighting. At the height of david beckham, you could not walk into a pub for rosary beads, styled as necklaces and placed with open shirts. i do recall that this was the same summer clairs accessories ran out of headbands. 3 years on so many boys have investeted in highlights and growing there hair, that bromley now hosts a rather more dated image of david beckham and awfully large roots. I must go now as i am preparing to go shopping in bromley highstreet, For this i must put on my newly aquired pink ugg boots and tracksuit, as this uniform is key to fitting in, “i mean, like, yeah but no i don’t wanna, like, be, like different or neyfing!