A hairy wart of a town in Essex that is primarily responsible for dragging the county down, at least more so than any other pile of concrete excretions for miles and miles around. Some of Basildon’s features and especially suburbs are truly on the same **** scale as any of the **** holes named and shamed on this fab site.

I’m glad to say I don’t live in Basildon, but am near enough to feel some reflected shame.

You know an area is evil when the “nicest” part is the retail park containing Asda, B&Q & Halfords – where ***** buy all those fantastic car “improvements”.

Drive into the town from the North on a skid mark strewn dual carriageway taking the first left at the 1st roundabout one finds an unexpected gem of civic infrastructure planning – The Magistrates court in located next to the “dole” office, so the *****/********* don’t even have to travel far after they’ve picked up their “wages” (dole/disability/job seekers allowance), in order to face their latest public order offence hearing.

A swift U turn past the fire station (handily placed to put out the burnt skeltons of TWOC Nova’s) and past the car thieves waiting area (aka car park) sees you back at the same roundabout, a left up the hill takes you past possibly the ugliest hospital in the UK. It has a HUGE carpark, but still insufficient room for all the drunk **** fight victims every weekend evening.

Onward towards the A13 and take a left towards Pitsea (or “Pidze” to locals) and you drive through the amusingly named suburb of Vange. Not only does it sound like a venereal disease but has the most appeallingly “*****” atmosphere. Taking care never to actually stop the car rolling in case any parts get stolen I observe the occasional obese, shell suit clad (still wearing shell suits!!) cap wearing, tatooed mingers dragging their snot laden offspring presumably to the pub. Simultaneously swearing and smoking of course, **** lads at this time curiously nowhere to be seen – obviously hard at work – or maybe still at A&E or court.

I eventually found the small business unit I was searching for, in a garage round the back of a pub, interesting side line of “pre-owned” car hi-fi’s freely for sale…. hmmmmm, nice.

Basildon is **** central, with varying levels of chavness depending on whether you are in one of the many council estates such as Vange or Somercoates, or if you’ve had the misfortune to wander into nearby Pitsea. Choice of transport depends on how much benefit fraud you can commit, ranging from the old favorite Vauxhall Nova to the FAR more classy Citroen Saxo. Why not visit one of many McDonald’s or Burger King’s and watch the single mums with six kids and five earrings in each ear saying such things as “I’ve gotta go daan to the old bill station abaat Rob, cos ‘is bin ‘itting the kids again” Or sample the automotive delights of Halfords, why not play “Spot the huge plastic front bumper and aluminium picnic table rear spoiler with 13″ 3-spoke alloy wheels on a 1.1 Fiesta” to pass the time? http://www.basildon.gov.uk/80256B68004397D4/vWeb/wpAPSY5LXCAV