With the largest divide of rich and poor in the EU, (so I’m told) Aberdeen has a lot of hot spots for *****. There are some amagingly nice (pretentious) places in a few confined areas that are desired by the majority, but the true **** test is when you get inverted snobbery, when the ***** never even want to use their free bus pass to pass through the nice areas to get to some of the most beautiful countryside in Scotland. If you run into a **** (or a BAM as they say in the ‘deen) and say you’re from any village on North Deeside Road (Milltimber, Cults, Craigiebuckler) you’re screwed. Anywhere in the west end of the city, and you’re screwed. Anywhere other than the places listed, and you’re screwed.
If you’re moving into Aberdeen and have heard a lot of good reviews, keep those opinions by refraining to live in the following districts:
Torry
(known as a regeneration area to the city council and estate agents) which also houses a prison which is almost in the centre of the enclave. 20% of Torry has reasonable looking granite tenement housing, and a few granite houses, mostly occupied by smack heads and foreigners moving into Aberdeen as students who can’t afford anywhere else, not even the student flats. The remaining 80% consists of 3 storey flats erected circa 1970 with a high density feel, like its residents. Traditional family units are rarer than planned teenage pregnancies, with the average IQ of the expectant teenager lower than that of the smack and crack filled 20 something soon to be grandmother who only works nights. The small but hard working percentage of its working residents have employment at United Fish Products that bellows out its noxious stink 6 days a week over the whole of the district. There is also a recycling centre, and a land fill site. Other employment (not declared to the benefits agency) includes dog breeding, (*97% of all bull mastiffs in Scotland are bred in Torry), drug dealing (Class A only), and soliciting. The area is serviced by 2 primary schools, Walker Road and Tullos, with one secondary school, Torry Academy. It is expected that each year one of the more established teachers will teach a grandchild of a former pupil. Usual dress code for all ages (female) is a tracksuit, chupa chups as hair accessories, greased back hair. Not quite as affluent as stereotypical English ***** due to serious drug problems. Male attire is slightly better even though has the same drug problem; jewellery, signet rings, facial tattoos. Slightly better attire due to services rendered as a PIMP. Bad ****** damaged teeth.
Typical Torridian response to my review: “Hey min fit ya sayin aboot Torry ya’ll ****** slash ya, ya ****.”
Northfield
Only driven through this area once, so not much of a thorough review. Prams walking in front of me when I was in the car, dirty looks because I could afford to drive a car, and a smell lingering in the air similar to that of stale BO, garbage cans and pavement pizza. Looks as bad as Torry. Mastrick has its problems too, which is in spitting distance of Northfield, but doesn’t quite have the same reputation.
Woodside / Tillydrone / Seaton
To the west of the oldest medical school in Scotland, Woodside has the highest percentage of **unsuccessful drug rehabilitation attempts in the UK. Known for its easy accessiblity of ******, it is only seen by most Aberdonians on their way to work when trying to get to Dyce. Low quality, high impact housing, it is a complete eyesore. Tillydrone: is characterised by the quantity of projects that are in operation in the area, from youth involvement to literacy, all of which are under utilised by the people who it is provided for. Full of high risers, plus some of the worst 3 and 4 storey flats in Aberdeen, even worse than Torry in places. Some of the residents are genuine students who attend the Uni of Aberdeen, so is slightly redeemed because of this. Seaton: Famous for its park, and the quantity of sexual assaults within it, the Seaton resident is characteristic of the typical Aberdeen ****. If a Seatonite tells you that life owes them a living, don’t argue with them – they are likely to stab you with a dirty needle.
Above is a listing of the worst places in Aberdeen. Places on the outskirts of these districts are also likely to be **** even though they are not mentioned.
* = Almost accurate. ** = Possibly true.
