Welcome to Penge! Oh? All you see is a festering pile of sewage? Well what did you think it’d be? A decent settlement with actual humans? HA! If you’ve just arrived on the Overground, board back on the train. Seriously. Everyone freaks out about Area 51, they should be talking about SE20.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Wait? You want to stay? Make your way outside onto a hilltop road covered in puddles of water that no one touches for fear of starting another bubonic plague epidemic. Go down to the railway bridge, where archaeologists flock to see the remains of beer and urine crafted by the few known living Neanderthals and progress towards the high street. Quickly, now, so you don’t get splattered by L’eau de Piss- Pardon my French. Unfortunately, you’ll soon turn onto Oakfield Road, also known as the Great Pavement of Easement for many dogs in the area.
Speaking of dogs, we make our way to the horrific Harris Primary Academy Crystal Palace- where I was forced to spend my first years of education. Sorry, I meant being surrounded by professional tweenaged Vicky Pollards, with the only coherent sentences formed by them to make fun of me for actually studying and not using Tiktok, or jokingly calling me Anti-South Asian slurs. One teacher [allegedly – Ed], and I swear this, said he didn’t believe in the solar system.
Back onto Penge high street!
You’ll soon see Blenheim Shopping Centre, the lovely modern building with 3 lifts, only 1 of which usually works. If you see those butchers shops importing spices from far-away countries that probably contributed to climate change more than your car, with a weird smell, believe me, these are actually more sanitary than any piece of public infrastructure within 3 kilometres.
Now, proceed to the debilitatingly inconvenient Penge East station that is your one of your only direct lifelines to Central London. Now, wait for 3 hours for a rickety, 40-year old train to take you to London Victoria! Seriously! GET ON A TRAIN!
And we’ven’t talked about Penge Library- the repository of knowledge and book- oh, and the roadmen-to-be of the aforementioned primary come here to skive and play Fortnite [allegedly – Ed].
Phew. I think I covered most of it. Now go take the bus into Bromley before you get corrupted by the atmosphere of Penge.
