Dawlish Warren is marketed by the tourist board as a traditional seaside resort for family, fun holidays. They haven’t visited in the past 20 years evidently, and failed to notice it is really Royston Vasey in disguise. I swear the League of Gentlemen was inspired by this place.
Summer
In the summer it is full of the cast of Shameless, all squashed 16 deep into self catering caravans screeching at their offspring and eating as many calories as they can cram into their fat faces on the way to the beach. They make a stop at the local shop for a shoplifting spree and a fist full of scratch cards, while failing to notice the barely-there clothing ten sizes too small has given up and split in two.
Once the sand is beneath their toes, they dump dog waste, cigarettes and nappies all over the beach before heading back for bingo, and beer by the skip full while ‘living it large like, innit’ by doing party dances like Akadoo in the Hi-de-Hi clubhouse.
The local sewers cannot cope with these people and you can smell their contribution to the local economy as you drive up the hill. You would swear it was an incinerator from the stench. The highlight of the year is when there is a power cut, as at least you don’t have to see it…even if you can still smell it.
Winter
In the winter you get to see who really lives in the Warren. The local pub is a step back into a 60’s social club, and the beer pipes haven’t [allegedly] been cleaned since. Don’t go in there if you are not a local, as the silence is deafening and you expect Clint Eastwood to pull you a pint over the tumbleweed. In fact don’t go in there if you are not up to date with vaccinations as it will [allegedly] be germ warfare on your body. [No names, but we have to point out that all the pubs in the area have been awarded a hygiene rating of 4/5 or higher by the food standards agency, so this is not true and just the opinion on the author. Backside covered -Ed].
Expect the locals to shout rude names at you whenever you step outside your front door, even though they don’t know you and have never spoken a word to you. The local shop is a haven of gossip, all made up in the absence of facts and you can [allegedly] expect to be interrogated by verbal questionnaire by the local shop staff. [lots of things about the shop owner’s alleged resemblance to a TV character we can’t repeat unless we want to get sued into next week -Ed]. I tend to drive 1 mile into town just to not use that shop! The bakery is well stocked with cakes, and there isn’t a lettuce in sight as the owner is clear about the needs of her customers.
The Locals
The locals are generally horrible and keep to their limited gene pool so they hate anyone who has dared to move in from civilisation, and they particularly loathe anyone with a University degree or a job that pays more than minimum wage. Frankly no one sane would live here unless they have business interests in the area, and then employing these people becomes a whole new layer of pantomime.
All that’s wrong with seaside resorts
Dawlish Warren represents everything that is wrong with UK seaside resorts, all rolled into one. If you are a female of reproductive age, do not go out without a large dog, a chainsaw or a security guard in this place as you are not safe. It is fair to say the local lotharios are always looking for a new gene pool to water down…run, and run fast….they will never catch up as they are usually alcoholics, or riddled with heart disease from years of cholesterol poisoning.
