So, apparently Alabama has been relocated to the UK and renamed Brandon. This tiny, seemingly quiet and peaceful town, morphs into a comedic ****-a-thon at sundown. The main reason for the chavish behaviour, I beleive, simply has to do with boredom. There’s not much to do in Brandon. Thetford is the nearest town with any real entertainment for these youths (ie. shops to steal from, public benches to gather round, etc..) and even that is quite a bicycle ride away. The premier gathering point is Flintknappers. Especially on Friday aor Saturday nights. Unprejudiced barkeeps serve cheap beer to whoever throws 2.50 on the counter. Theres an adequate number of slot machines to gather round and an equally sufficient number of billiard tables to grope their 14 year old sheilas on. Speaking of the girls, these denim mini skirt and fake suede knee-high boot clad STD emporiums are a favourite target of my ridicule. And the best part is, I never recieve any flak from their “men,” as these ***** are extremely timid. They only fight each other, and it’s easy to get them to do that (as it makes for great entertainment). These ***** only have each other to intimidate and, as such, are easily frightened by a cold hard glare from somebody man enough to grow a full beard (ie. myself). Other good ****-spotting locales are around the Ladbrokes or outside the doors of Ali’s Kebabs or Golden Chicken. These latter 2 establishments are garunteed to be occupied by **** filth at any given time, stemming from the lack of a McDonalds in town. The free car park is also a cant-miss, although the amount of **** buffoonery isn’t as abundant as one would hope for a dark carpark of a condemned former Co-Op building. Add in to the mix the shockingly obvious evidence of in-breeding and the ever-growing rate of teen pregnancy. Which reminds me of the pregnant bartender at The Bell pub, a few doors up from Ali’s Kebabs. She’s at leats 7 months preggo, and she smoked at least 10 ciggies to my 4 pints the other night. The skin tight white top was especially flattering, as the bottom of it rested atop her swollen stomach and the neck stretched down to the top of her nipples. It’ll be even sexier when she has a C-section scar…
I love Brandon.
