Many people may have heard of my hometown from the lead article on the front page of The Independent labelling Ilkeston “Cracktown UK” due to the amazing amount of crack cocaine and ****** users living in the slum that is Cotmanhay.
There are many different parts of Ilkeston, from the aforementioned Cotmanhay, Kirk Hallam, West Hallam (which although quite posh and affluent still has its fair share of idiots), Shipley View estate and the infamous Boswell estate.
The best way to tell all you readers about Ilkeston is to go through the various parts and the types of “people” you are likely to encounter.
Cotmanhay
Commonly known as “Little Beirut” throughout the town, this is where the majority of the ***** in the town live and congregate. Classy areas to live, including Skeavington’s Lane feature buildings with every window knocked through, burnt out cars on every driveway and massive amounts of baseball cap sporting hooligans. This area of town is generally a no-go area after dusk, as this is when the illegal motorbikes and knife-toting idiots come out to play (after spending all day in the town centre trying to claim more benefits or selling drugs). Merely walking through this area at night leaves a person open to assault, usually carried out in packs of 20 or more. All in all, a terrible place to be, and easily the worst place I have ever lived in.
Boweswell Road
Having had the pleasure of visiting this area on regular occassions over the summer, I feel qualified to talk about it. The type of **** found here is the feral child variety. The short hair (to dissuade hairlice), mucky tan from being outside all day and Nike vest top are the usual attire, whilst the female ***** are nearly indistinguishable from the males apart from the penchant for baby pink adidas tracksuits and von dutch caps. Possibly the poorest area, as the most muggings happen, even though it is just behind the police station! Has the most infamous group of ***** living on it, responsible for no end of assaults, muggings and grafitti tags throughout the town.
The Town Centre
The place to be seen with litres of cider and bottles of 20/20 in hand. Groups of up to 50 can be spotted on some nights, causing trouble against passers-by and riding illegal mini-motorbikes around the pedestrianised area, much to the amusement of all the other idiots. You can tell the leaders by the way they are dressed, with scarves and caps over their faces, prison white shox and the newest tracksuit around. They usually ride their bikes in first gear, enabling them to do wheelies along th pavement, and enjoy what should be the olympic sport of throwing things at buses. The fun never ends, as just down from the main market square is a McDonalds, the only source of food after 5pm in Ilkeston town centre on some nights, which is invariably filled with idiots getting their “nutrients” before going on an E-numbers fuelled rampage. Just down from the town centre is the underpass, where such philosphical delights as “Gays are gay” are scrawled in childlike writing, along with the ever amusing “If you want ***, dial 999”.
That is all about my great town that I can be bothered to write, I hope you never have the need to visit. I am one of the lucky ones who has escaped the hell-hole! Lets hope the ***** stay there!
