The unmistakeable sound of a 15 year old at a train station throwing up at gone 2am, drowning out the noise in the distance of a £70 ford fiesta with 2 grand’s worth of modifications on it pushing the engine to 8000 rpm out of a 24 inch exhaust…. Welcome to Romford, The absolute **** hole of southern England. They’re appearing everywhere and seem to be taking over the world, ‘*****’ is what we call them and there’s many ways to spot them especially in Romford.

#1. The baseball cap: What on earth is this **** about? A piece of well… ‘material’ put together by some clever American chap for baseball players to keep the sun out of their eyes when they’re batting the ball, Somewhere along the line these absolute plebs thought it was just a must have accessory.

#2. The language: This is going to differ from **** to **** depending on the accent of whichever part of the country they’re from but none the less they all have a universal ******** sound about them. This generally includes adding the word ‘well’ before every word in some attempt to emphasize what they’re saying. Around Romford this generally equates to the saying ‘im well ‘ard’ or ‘im well ‘avin it mate’. I don’t know why the ******* idiots speak like this but it could be down to two reasons, 1. They left school at 9 years old cause ‘it was well gay init’. Or while visiting their father in prison they picked it up there or something. If the latter is true at least they’ll be prepared when they go in there themselves for benefit fraud.

#3. The Alcohol and Drugs: As far as I can recollect I never went through a stage in my life where my sole ambition was to ‘get well bladdered’ every night of the week, or so ******* out of my skull on some ****** up drug that makes me feel my head has been injected with morphine. If the fools want to get high and drunk it wouldn’t be so bad but the retards have to then proceed to destroy any equipment in their local park, write on any wall or bus shelter about which little **** they’re humping this week…then have some kind of ******* competition as to ‘who can shout the loudest’? Or ‘How many people can we wake up at 2 am’?

Final thoughts, to put a fine point on it… If you’re a **** I hope you die. I hope you wake up one morning with a **** stuck to your head because at least you’ll be thinking what everyone else already thinks about you… Yes, nobody thinks your cool, Infact you’re a worthless piece of **** that needs to get a job, get some dress sense, get some real friends and for Christ sake get a ******* LIFE YOU IMBECILE!!! Those trousers do not look cool half way up your leg, you infact look like a ******* ****. I have already made a promise to myself that the first **** to even so much as look at me funny is going to get the biggest kick up the **** that your daddy never gave you. I hope oh god I hope you try and fight back because mark my ******* words your worthless *** better like hospital food.

Ever fancied coming to a modern, exciting town with culture and history? How about visiting a town with many swanky resturants? Or maybe taking in a laid back atmosphere in one of Romford’s many classy watering holes? Or perhaps staying in many classy hotels in this ‘Las Vegas’ style town? Or are you a ‘party person’ and fancy vibrant and friendly dacning areas? Well come to Romford it has everything!!!

Romford is the untidy, dirty and vulgar back garden of London.

A baby playing with a razor blade is safer than someone ‘clubbing’ in Romford. I never knew where the word ‘clubbing’ originated from until I went to Romford. It contains females aged between 15 – 21 with panda eyes dressed head to toe in Burberry and ironically, wearing it with pride. Their names are normally Kayleigh or Chelsea (their names are on their rose gold necklases) or something else that their fat, ugly, John Wayne walking, benefit frauding mothers come up with.

The most fun I had a Romford was when I visited the VIP ‘Envy’ nightclub, the apparently ‘over 25’ nightclub. For three hours I was contained in a perspex box with shell suit cladded divison three footballers. Score!

After being called ‘darling’ ‘babe’ and ‘sweetheart’ (all typical Essex terms of endearment) I decided to leave.

I was then exposed to a samonella filled chicken burger filled with what I hoped was mayonaise from the burger van. I then happily skipped off past the train station and saw five boys recreating riverdance on a poor guys head. Nice – at least there is one less **** walking the streets now!

So, as previosly stated ….. Romford has everything!

Romford isn’t really a **** Town ( yet ) , obviously we DO have our fair share of local examples of the species , welded to a 50cc scooter like some latter day Mod , but looking about 1000% less hard and well dressed , or ( per the Female of the species ) sporting the well known ‘Croydon Facelift’ ( Hair pulled back so tightly it has the effect of lifting the features backward and upward giving a permanantly suprised aspect to the face ) .

Our real problem is the effect that the new revamped ( mini Lakeside ) shopping centre , and the Ibiza like ‘golden mile’ of drinking establishments have on the surrounding areas , which HAVE already been annexed by the peasant underclass.

Witness the bunches of Chavsters ******* around the bus stops outside the statiion with their ‘homie’s’ or ‘bloods’ , sporting the usual ‘sports’wear and baseball caps ( strangely the amount of sport played is inversely proportional to the amount of sports wear actually worn ….the fat little ***** )

All of them waiting for a bus to take them back home to Ilford , Stratford and all points east , or out to Harold Wood , Elm Park and Cranham.
Effecting a limp ( from where the bullet grazed you during a drive by I suppose ) seems to be the current ‘in thing’

Witness the spitting on the pavement , dragging on the one *** they ponced from a mate old enough to buy them , spliff style like it had been passed to them by Bob Marley himself .

Witness the skinniest , most pale white kid I ever saw dressed head to toe in black , wearing Black , Gold and Green sweatbands on his wrists and one of those scalp tight bandana’s with a similarly coloured head band , and the word JAMAICA on his T shirt in yellow ………what does he think he’s doing ? , remembering his roots ??

Witness the shouting across the street to ******** mates outside the Kebab shop getting dinner , and the running in front of Bus drivers to annoy them and make them brake really hard ( one day one may misjudge his run ….we can but hope )

Away from the Bus stops , amusement can always be had admiring the queue to get in to ‘Time & Envy’ on a Tuesday , an endless line of Kylie’s Sharon’s and Keeley’s in micro tops and miniskirts clutching a fake Burberry handbag in one hand , and either a mobile or a packet of **** in the other , hugging themselves in the cold cos coats are so last year.

By the other entrance the ‘men’ line up , an equally endless stream of Billys and Zak’s in Patrick *** ‘wannabee’ rip off loafers with the little silver buckle , fake Burberry shirts , and more doses of Kuros than you can shake a stick at …….its like a bad day in the Debenhams purfume department when you get nabbed by all the tester girls at the same time .

Or , you could always pop in to Brannigans or Bar Me , or Life Bar and soke up the ‘hardcore’ on a Friday , or stand outside “trax” …….possibly the most suspect bar *** pub , *** fight venue I’ve ever seen, and wall to wall Chavsters inside and out .

As a native of Romford its a shame i have to write this but what a ******* **** hole.years ago it wasnt that bad, half decent market,a couple of good cinemas and some not bad shops.Then not only did the ***** take over but the town planners became ***** as well.They first built the “dolphin center” a pyramid building which housed a swiming pool.It shut soon afterwards as the ceiling was designed by ***** and was going to fall in.its all boarded off now 20 years later.Next **** induced nightmare was to knock down the old brewey(built 1799).Replaced by a souless **** hole piece of metal.Cinema and some crappy **** bars and shops.It leads out onto South street(beirut) which has so many ***** puking on a saturday night you would think they had Ebola virus(hopeful).Its so bad in Romford even West Ham have shut there shop. Romford-used to be nice, now isn’t.Thanks ***** may you burn in burberry hell.

Oh my good ******* grief! ROMFORD is just about the lowest common denominator in the whole of Chavdom bar NONE. If you see a male under the age of 17 walking down the road, who isn’t wearing the uniform of track suit,white trainers and cap (at a jaunty angle of course) you actually turn and stare! The morons of this discusting **** ridden corpustle of flem known as ROMFORD have all the brain power of a rotting stoat that died 3 years ago.Their parents were **** and they are ****. It is just about the most backward looking conservative thinking cess pitt of the ******* planet. Burn it!

First off, I can’t believe no-one has put this place up yet as it is the epitomy of ****** ***** in Essex, which in turn is the epitomy of ****** ***** in the UK. On weekdays, during the day it can be tolerated. You will see the occasional brats who have bunked school and teenage mothers of 2 or more. But generally it’s OK. Weekends are rather more crowded and have a rather larger density of the archetypal ****. Getting annoying, but still not unbearable. But try going out on ANY night apart from sunday or monday (and sometimes those are bad). The place is a ********. You only have to pick up the local paper to learn of all the **** that goes on in nighttime Romford. The ‘hotspot’ for this being Time and Envy, the ********* of **** clubs I have ever seen and completely devoid of any class. If you can, stay away. (If only the pubs weren’t so good…)