Living in Wombourne, Staffordshire
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Staffordshire

The funny thing about Wombourne is that the people who live there think they are classy and posh because the place is classed as a village, despite containing numerous large housing estates which sprawl around the original village green. Most houses are standard semis, nothing special, but the occupants think they are off Towie or similar.
The surrounding area is actually very pretty with lovely countryside, it’s the people who spoil it. Wombos hate outsiders and anyone not born and bred here struggles to be welcomed. Service in shops for outsiders is aggressive, visitors are just not wanted.
Wombos are all about appearances and what they think they can show off with, so if you are still thinking of moving here, here are some chavtastic tips to fit in:

Rules for Wombourne women of all social classes:
Hair must be dyed blonde or BLACK and I mean BLACK!!!! Must be long and preferably arranged in a “donut” or similar chav style.
You must love “bling” (Something from Primark will do)
Eyebrows – chav standard, heavily drawn on in BLACK at all times.
Full make up at all times please.
Clothes -slaggy and cheap (again try Primark)
Wombourne women must take daily selfies which are then posted on social media in the hope of receiving comments from short sighted friends and relatives along the lines of…”stunning” and “gawguss lady”. In fact all you need to be classed as “stunning” here is a head. If it is a whole family shot it is mandatory for someone to comment with the word “blessed”.
Yes Wombos love a bit of family love (nearly everyone is related to each other through inbreeding) and love to glamourise their babies and children.

Rules to follow when you have a baby girl:
Choose a florid, outlandish name possibly with celebrity influences. Suggestions include Bonnie, Scarlette, Blue, Beau, Delilah, Charity, Tuesday. These are just a few doing the rounds at the moment, the only limitations are your imagination!

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Immediately after birth dress child in either fake fur or leooard print. Get her ears pierced. She must always wear a ridiculous headband with a massive fake flower or bow on, even if child is bald.

If you have a boy:
A small list of names which are acceptable for Wombos…..Billy. Charlie. Bobby. Freddie. Alfie. Archie. Must end in a Y or IE basically, standard Chav stuff, but do try to add interest with the middle name with something like Beau, Lance, Romeo, Rocco etc.
At birth boys must be dressed in a 3 piece suit from Primark with a hat.

Wombourne…..the anus of South Staffs.

  • TD

    yam roight , yow dow know what yam talkin abah the village is luvlay.

  • Peter Western

    And what perfect part of South Staffs is the writer of this ridiculous article from??? I have lived here 11 years now and all residents have always been extremely welcoming. Thanks for the concern for potential suitors of Wombourne but really you need to buy a Suduko book or something. Regards!!