Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in South West, United Kingdom, Wiltshire

If someone ever advises you that trowbridge is lovely, nice or even bearable, they are lying, they do not like you, and they want you to suffer.

Trowbridge is geographically pretty accessible to many places such as Birmingham, Cardiff and London, although it may as well be on a desert island, as born and bread Trowbridgearians very rarely leave the 3 mile radius, unless of course for a fight with a rival town, for which they would do a runner from a taxi.

The typical trowbridge resident is the famed, chav. There are many species of such that breed in the area. You get the townies, the boy racers, the girl racers, and the down and out chavs. Definitions of Such chavs:

The townie – ‘Picknie’.
Age range – 8 years old to 16. If there are persons present in the group which are above this ages it usually stands that they are a little simple, even by chav terms, the younger chavs of course do not realise that the 35 year old man wanting to hang around with 8 year olds is strange. But in such a group the older your mates the cooler you are, and you wont have any problems getting fags and alcohol with an old man by your side.

Activity/ies of choice – fighting, especially if they completely out numberer the victim, or even better if the victim is defenceless. Such Chavs will only fight if they are in a large group, if confronted when alone, most will cry, others will run. Bullying and sleeping around – such chavs love to push a buggy around town in the day, and talk loudly and openly about sex, phrases such as ‘hez got a little willy’ and ‘it didn’t even touch eh sides’ are often heard in the midst of the night. Such chavs love to borrow young children and cart them around town, although they have to be in a buggy, even if the child is 6! It is also commonplace to see the young children with pierced ears and being shouted at loudly by their 12 year old mother, or carer. It is a popular activity to sit outside blockbuster video in the centre of town after they have managed to get someone to buy them some at  alcohol.

The hotspot: The centre at any time of day or night, they walk around the centre in the day with their many children,  acknowledging everyone with a quick ‘you alright’, a nod – to indicate the same thing, or a doggy look. They shout obscenities at many people, and if unprovoked even resort to following them around waiting fro a reaction. At night such chavs, sit outside blockbuster with cider bought with money stolen from their parents, or from some defenceless child. From this position they shout at girls, especially attractive ones who walk by, and give them doggy looks. If even a glance is noted this can warrant a full blown physical attack.

They worship: Boy racers, or anyone with a car.  They are never actually cool enough or attractive enough to go out with or set foot in the car of a boy racers car, although they spend the majority of their time talking about them and know there names and exactly what they drive, they also sometimes pay other people for the boy racers mobile number. If any opportunity ever arose to meet or get with a boy racer, they would sacrifice anything.

They hate: pretty girls, emo’s, grungers, skaters, and just about everyone half descent.

Suitable chav joke – Why was the bible not based in trowbridge – because they couldn’t find 3 wise men, or a virgin.

Boy Racers:
Age range: 17 – 25 – anyone who can drive can join.

Choice of activity – going down to Mcdonalds car park, or parking in the middle of the one way system. They smoke fags, and love picking up girls in the age range of 10-14, who have lots of girlfriends who can also sit with them. They like to talk about other boy racers, and drive around town repeatedly. They play very loud music ear drum bursting stylie. They spend enormous amounts of money on usually very cheap cars, cuh as novas, saxo’s and fiestas. They like to beeb their horn to get attention and do wheel spins.

The hotspot – Mcdonalds carpark, when that closes the one way system near town.

They worship – others with nice cars

They hate – who they used to be, little gippo chavs with no friends, who look at every car that passes them.

Suitable chav joke – two chavs are in a car with no music on, who is driving? The police.

Girl racers – as above, although usually are former picknies.

Down and out chavs:
Age range – all ages

Choice of activity: Drinking, swearing, smoking, talking about everyone elses business and fighting. Fighting is of the most violent nature, often involving bludgeoning instruments. They are very unpredictable.

The Hotspot: Studley Green – The shop, or The John Bull – a vile pub, full of residents, you are sure to be oggled if you are female, however your appearance may be and if you are male, god help you.

They worship – Whoever is considered the hardest or well-known.

They hate – anyone who is not as chavvy as them

Suitable chav joke – what do you call a chav with 9 G.C.S.Es? A liar!

As you can gather, the small town of Trowbridge, near Bath, is not peaceful, picturesque and the centre of happiness. It is riddled with chavs from all disciplines, and is to be avoided at all costs. If you want to inflict pain on someone, suggest a shopping trip, or a night out there, you are guaranteed to be beaten up, if you have a good old look around. The residents are painfully ugly, overweight and wear copious amounts of jewellery, and make-up to account for their loss of clothes. The people are sickening, and one of a kind. I would advise any production company to film a documentary their. It is the closest to neanderthal ape that you will find living in a house.