Living in Prestopans, Scotland

Prestonpans residents, they’re the most miserable lot in East Lothian

Prestonpans people are half baked, miserable, bitter, and as sour faced as Andrew Lloyd Webber licking on a nettle.

Living in Carlisle, Cumbria

Carlisle: the people who inhabit this city are not quite right

Carlise: a land you will never forget and unless you have a raging drug problem, you will never visit again.

Living in Glasgow, Scotland

Pollok, Glasgow, attempts to modernise the place have largely failed

Pollok, Glasgow, named after the fish that used to swim in the river before it became too trolley strewn to support any living creature.

Living in Aviemore, Scotland

Aviemore: we are made to feel as welcome as a Christian in Saudi Arabia

The main hotel in Aviemore looks more like a huge block of council flats, the estates on the outskirts are little more than ghettos.

Living in Forth, Scotland

Forth – a grey & moribund carbuncle on the arse-end of Scotland

Forth Village residents range from angry old people visibly flustered that the Grim Reaper has overlooked them, to young delinquents and single mums on benefits chugging Buckfast.