Living in Cardigan, Wales

Cardigan: creeping insidiously from the murky depths of the polluted Teifi River

Cardigan pastimes include arguing over how other people's medically-prescribed Temazepam is shared out and moaning about the English.

Living in Bristol

Bristol: A battle between hipster and chav

The estates surrounding Bristol are looking more and more like the bad parts of Mogadishu.

Living in Cinderford, Gloucestershire

I watched Deliverance the other day, it made me think of Cinderford

Cinderford: If you want to experience authentic rustic English charm at its very finest, go elsewhere.

Living in Northampton

Northampton: dangerous at night, unpleasant during the day

A word of advice: when you see Northampton's massive concrete tower, turn around and go back where you came from.

Living in Carlisle, Cumbria

Carlisle: the people who inhabit this city are not quite right

Carlise: a land you will never forget and unless you have a raging drug problem, you will never visit again.