Didcot – a railway siding dressed up as a portal to real, actual hell

Living in Didcot, Oxfordshire

Didcot has a rich heritage revolving around railways and the golden age of steam. Sadly though, Didcot does not immediately evoke happy memories of trundling along the traintracks as your engine gathers pace. Instead it’s a foul excrescence of a town that seems trapped in a time-bubble that began on the 31st of December 1969 […]

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Dartford: once a thriving market town, now in decline

Living in Dartford, Kent

The once thriving market town of Dartford has been a cesspit for almost two decades now. As gentrification sweeps more and more of South London, more and more inner city ne’er-do-wells are pushed into its borders, primarily Dartford, making the place seem more like a rough South London borough, but at the same time the […]

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Gillingham – Lively Rubbish Bin of the South East

Living in Gillingham, Kent

I’ve only been living in Gillingham for a month but I can affirmatively say this is the worst place I have seen in this country so far. Having lived in a depressing but peaceful Aberdeen, a wild but colourful Leeds and a picturesque but boring Warwick, I wasn’t expecting much from Medway. This whole area […]

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Whitstable: get drunk, smell of fish and nearly get into 5 fights

Living in Whitstable, Kent

Anyone fancy a day out of the realms of inner city life? Fancy a nice family weekend away? Why not come to Whitstable? With pubs and small pointless shops scattered all over the fish smelling, narrow high street; this town is a treat! With young coke heads who think they’re John Wayne either [definitely not] […]

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Farnham – Surrey’s snootiest town

Living in Farnham, Surrey

Is your son called “Alfie”? Is your daughter called “Molly”? Do you like to say their names very loudly in Waterstones at least 6 times in one sentence, e.g. “Alfie darling, you like this book don’t you Alfie, shall we buy it Alfie? You’d like that wouldn’t you Alfie? Molly come here darling, look at […]

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Andover: gulag of Hampshire

Living in Andover, Hampshire

Andover has to be THE most depressing town in the northern hemisphere. Twinned with basra it’s a literal melting pot of teenage mums/squaddies mattresses and blag pretend hard men. Half are wannabe squaddies who thinks the world owes them a living. They strut around the town centre with their pigeon chests puffed out and rab […]

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Farnborough: where dreams come to die

Living in Farnborough, Hampshire

Living in Farnborough is like living in purgatory; it’s neither here nor there. ‘The bargain bin of Hampshire’, I’ve overheard. The drab town adequately situates itself between having just enough shops to not **** oneself from boredom and too little homeware stores to purchase items to make killing oneself an actual reality. You’d think a […]

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Avoid Crawley if you have a shred of decency

Living in Crawley, West Sussex

Anyone who lives within 50 miles of Crawley will be aware of its somewhat undesirable reputation. As a Surrey boy, I was less than impressed when a career move and a new relationship led to me having to rent a flat in the centre of town. Now, as I prepare to move on after around […]

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Maidenhead: Not fit for a Royal wedding!

Living in Taplow and Maidenhead, Berkshire

My birth place was Taplow but grew up here in the 70s and 80s. Famed for its picturesque river Thames views and mansions with homes to the Berkshire dwelling celebs of yesteryear and the filming at the town hall of the opening titles of ’Carry On Doctor’ after recently visiting briefly, this place has gone […]

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Woking: good train links to London apart from that it’s a sh*thole

Living in Woking, Surrey

Woking is a large town in the centre of Surrey. It is only known for having good train links to London. Other than that, Woking is a complete sh*thole. Woking is home to some of the worst addresses including Sheerwater, Maybury and Knaphill, all littered with *****- usually aged 8 or so, acting like some […]

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The sting in the wonder tale of Forest Row in Sussex

Living in Forest Row, East Sussex

There is a village in England that has some pretty astounding features for a village, such as five or six non-chain places where to have a decent cup of coffee, a village hall where a certain film society shows some pretty decent films, like, ‘lo and behold, Werner Herzog and other illuminati. a Rudolf Steiner […]

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Haywards Heath – the patio of England

Living in Haywards Heath, West Sussex

Haywards Hoth dates back to 1544 meaning a “heath by the enclosure with a hedge”. An unsearchable and unheard of ‘legend’ suggests that the town is named after a local highway man, Jack Hayward, who committed his crimes in the vicinity at some undefined period in the past. I suspect this is a colossal in-joke […]

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