Living in Canvey Island, Essex
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Uncategorised

I can’t believe Basildon and Southend have gotten such lengthy mentions yet the worst place of them all, Canvey Island, has slipped through unnoticed.

The only redeeming features of Canvey are;

  1. It’s an island, therefore we know if the chavs get too rowdy we can just cut them off from civilised society by taking out two bridges and
  2. It’s below sea level and sinking fairly rapidly, so in 30 years they’ll need to start investing in Burberry water-wings.

Seriously, there is no better place in Britain for Nike-clad, ‘LA Lakers’ outsize jersey-wearing, outsize-baseball cap-sporting chav population to ‘hang out’ with members of their own kind. Vauxhall Novas and Ford Fiestas with ‘bling-bling’ bodykits race up and down the straighter roads while on every street corner gangs of friendly neighbourhood youths will kindly relieve you of that heavy wallet and phone you’ve been carrying around all day, along with a kidney or two should you see fit to protest. Buses coming off of Canvey are inevitably filled with screaming teenage mums in thermonuclear-dayglo sports gear and shellsuits yelling at baby Britney or Romeo to stop chucking up into their fake Burberry pram while adjusting a ‘Croydon Facelift’ ponytail so tight you honestly suspect their skin of their face has been stretched to breaking point and one over-zealous yell would cause it to split and splatter the bus into something out of a Tarantino movie.

Other seats are taken up by gaggles of 13-year-old chav schoolgirls talking about how many 25-year-olds with Ford Focuses they’ve managed to ‘bang’ that week, taking the occasional break from this deeply enthralling intellectual discussion to mock anyone (seemingly at random) who isn’t part of their group – occasionally their victim will be a member of a rival group of 13-year-old chav girls and a screeching fight will break out in the broadest Essex English you have ever heard in your life, much to the amusement of any normal passengers.

Being sandwiched between Southend and Basildon, it’s easy to see how Canvey Island can be forgotten by the amateur Chavologist, what with there being broader areas of Chavdom to admire in such close proximity, but close observance reveals that while the total population of Canvey might be lower than those of Southend or Basildon, the total number of chavs from each is around equal, meaning that, possibly, Canvey is, in ratio, the most Chavvish place in Essex. Also, being an island, Canvey has developed many things seperately from the mainland. Just when you think you’ve learned enough of the latest Chav lingo to survive a night out without getting ‘popped’ for ‘dissing’ someone’s ‘kru’, a trip to Canvey (and the resulting trip back again in the back of an ambulance) will remind you that Chavvish, like most other languages, can have many different dialects, all of which you need to be familiar with to ensure safe passage through certain out-of-the-way centres of Chavdom in Essex.

There are many more things I could say about Canvey, including the shopping centre in the middle of town, now all but deserted, that draws gangs of roaming chavs like moths to a flame, the fetid bars that draw the older chav groups in and have the typically huge car-parks on which a dozen or so ‘modded’ Corsas and old Saxos race in the Canvey Grand Prix, much to the terror of genuine punters and their vehicles – those who are stupid enough to leave their car without an armed guard in Canvey anyway). There is a genuine air of depression and dinginess on Canvey, which I can only say must contribute an awful lot to the state of the people there – it is a vicious cycle, as further chav violence only escalates the feeling, and the feeling escalates the chav violence. As I said earlier, the only redeeming feature is that it’s sinking, and if we took the bridges away, the only escape route they’d have would be the concrete boat(!? – has to be a chav idea, that) to be found down on the ‘beach’ (or, for those not in the know, about 4ft of stones and shells, with no sand to be seen, behind which is a 50ft concrete sea wall, and in front is the brown, stinking sea filled with shopping trolleys, used condoms, needles, sewage and all manner of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface. A great place to take your kids – if you hate them.

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  • Jake

    Well TBH I think the person who wrote this is a complete Ass-hole. I live here and I feel as if this is a beautiful place and has some of the best things in Britain for cheap. And we hear all this Chav bullshit and yes i can agree to a slight extent but that one little percentage of the island shouldn’t overtake the entire warm-hearted percentage of the island. We have just the same as every other island, Education, A BEACH, A Nice Community. You obviously left within the first 5 minutes if you think that you’re right with your description, I suggest you take a deeper look and find out what Canvey is actually like.

    And considering this was written by a 13 year old i really do suggest you give Canvey that second chance that it needs although if we don’t really want haters like you around for too long.

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  • Zoomzastic

    I’ve read four different articles on this site about various towns in the UK and these people (or person) seems to be basing all of their analysis/opinion
    on chavs and slags but not the actual towns themselves. This person is clearly a snob so I would say get over yourself and deal with it and most importantly stop pre judging people by the clothes they wear and judging people in general and slating them! Very childish!

  • Alison Savill

    I lived in Canvey for 20 years and never felt unsafe or in any way intimidated by anybody, I have always been able to park my car safely and am certainly not a chav. This person seriously needs to get a life. If you dont live here how do you know.

  • Fred smith

    The thing is canvey wich is Essex thinks it’s the centre of the universe and every thing revolves round it,my advice to all who live there GET OFF ASAP
    AS THERE IS LIFE OUT THERE..?

  • Mr i have friends

    this a great place I’ve lived here for 68 years and no trouble apart from trouble I’ve made some good friends they drink and are very sociable and i love the conservative club with no terroist

  • John

    I LOVE CANVEY ISLAND, BUT I WANT TO GO TO AUSTRALIA

  • Hillary jhonson

    canvey is the next dubai

  • Harry P

    I lived in Canvey for 12 years and i’m neither a chav nor a “25 year old with a Ford Focus.” I now live in Redditch and have done for 2 years. Get a life.

  • Valon

    On the overall from what i’ve seen is that canvey is rather quite anywhere other than the beach and arcade area, and from the probably arond 200 to 400 visits down there i have only once seen what you described to be 13 Year old shoolgirl chavs, and once been asked for a cigarette by someone underaged. Also whats wrong with Vauxhall Novas? Also try not to be a coward and actually post yor name and not post it as anonymous.

  • lovelace

    Cheeky c***s there’s a lot worse places

  • Its easy to be negative about Canvey Island if your eyes don’t see any further than the way people dress and because its a bit run down. Theres beauty in everything if your eyes are educated enough to see it.

    Stop slagging canvey off and lobby the government for some cash to make it what it once was.

    look on face book canvey island and look at the images people have been posting.

    Dave 🙂 not a resident of canvey

    • jason

      I agree with what you say, to many people Slag canvey off, most of them have never been there or are probably the kind of people that they are talking about also not educated themselves, we should feel sorry for them. Canvey has changed over the years but I’m sure it will get back on track

  • canvey sucks bad