Living in Buckhurst Hill, Essex
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia, Essex, United Kingdom

Contrary to the rather eloquent and optimistic appraisal of Buckhurst Hill that I’ve just read, I’d like to right a few wrongs.

Buckhurst Hill is the home of the affluent chav, that being the ‘chav done good’ who has managed to scale the social ladder and now owns a 3 bed semi somewhere on the border of London/Essex. Features of the affluent chav are;

  • A slightly higher grade (although equally tacky) designer goods, purchased from one of the many overpriced Boutiques on Buckhurst Hill High Street
  • A petrol guzzling motor, blaring out R&B or local radio
  • A slight paunch from all the food purchased in Buckhurst Hills only supermarket Waitrose ( and don’t get me started on bloody Waitrose, expensive, upper class wannabe sh*thole of a supermarket…)

Of course expect the chavs manna’ to be decorated by a couple of satellite dishes, and the occasional St Georges cross ( EN-GER-LAND, no surrender to the IRA…etc etc )

Every affluent Chav will have his Chavette, who will be seen dragging their miserable offspring around town, from Nail salon to tanning shop, chastising the little angels with the occasional slap or mouthful of foul language. Usual motor for the affluent chavette mum is an over-sized people carrier or 4 wheel drive vehicle, driven in a hazardous manner.

Now, there is only one place to be seen in Buckhurst Hill, which is of course the world famous Blue Monday’s Bar, where every night of the week you will be treated to a chav soap opera of the highest quality. Forget Eastenders, as this is truly as good as it gets! The first thing one notices is the overpowering stench of perfume from the scantily clad chavette wives, and then the paunchy chavs bedecked in Sherman, Polo and Moschino. Conversation will usually consist of ” How’s the plumbing business going…. When’s the next baby due….if it’s a girl we’ll call her Shakira… and so on.

Always look out for the possibility of a skirmish, of the variety “Hold me back hold me back..” where no punches are thrown but both protagonists want to save face by being held back.

In conclusion, Buckhurst Hill Chavs are not so different from you’re average chav, except for the fact that they have money to burn, and can greatly enhance their original god given chavness by spending power.