Living in Bridgwater, Somerset
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Somerset, South West, United Kingdom

Bridgwater is best described as a ‘meeting place’ in that like an open cess-pit, the thickest shits tend to accumulate here. These are the people that cut themselves shaving and place the plaster on the mirror. Cro-magnon man would have no trouble fitting-in here though his wife would need to get a ‘wide load’ tattoo across the top of her arse to do likewise.

Bridgwater, like Australia, was originally populated by crooks, convicts, rogues vagabonds and sharks. Unlike Australia, Bridgwater still is (locals have three rows of teeth). Five-times winner of the Elizabeth Duke ‘Most sovereign-style rings per capita’ award, Bridgwater is the living embodiment of what happens when brothers and sisters marry. The local population consists of three types of citizen; ‘Lockels’ (locals), ‘Grockels’ (those who have moved here) and ‘Emmets’ (’emmet come here for their holidays). Each despises the latter for its affluence and the former as effluence. When people move to Bridgwater it adds to the gene-pool, which is a good thing. Up until a few years back, if the whole town had posed for a photo there would have been a thousand people but only three faces (including the dog). Things are slowly improving although the proliferation ginger hair and turned-eyes is still noticeable.

Bridgwater never noticed the depressions, power-cuts, shortages and strikes of the seventies as nobody had a job anyway so it was business as usual. The arrival of the Cellophane factory gave the town its nickname ‘Stinky Bridgwater’ and those who could put-in for a housing exchange went to live in Taunton (where the Toffs live) or got on the wrong bus and went to Bristol. When the Cellophane factory closed, people expected the stink to clear but it hasn’t. It turns out the factory wasn’t to blame, it was the combined stench of blow, McDonalds wrappers, unwashed armpits and minges coming from the Hamp estate that had been the source all along.

The shady bayous, rhynes and drainage ditches that tie together a patchwork of scrubland, council-estates and upturned burning Vauxhalls gained notoriety when Bridgwater was chosen as the preferred location for the film ‘Deliverance’. Had the local population been prettier, cleverer and cleaner, they might have secured acting parts too. On visiting the town, Burt Reynolds was heard to say ‘My sweet Jesus Christ. I don’t have to stick my head up a cow’s ass to know it stinks but this is somethin’ else’.

The best thing about Bridgwater? Driving past it fast, on the M5.

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  • Bob

    Jesus wasn’t born in Bridgwater because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
    The place has a shopping centre called Angel Place that is frankly wasted on the town.
    Then there is Carnival and it’s clubs are an excuse to sleep around, everyone is skint-but they all have £300 pounds to get p*ssed.
    Since Cellophane closed the place doesn’t stink any more and with two motorway junctions if you mistakenly pass through Historic Bridgwater- you can quickly get the hell out.

    Time team Bridgwater would have been cancelled as the DNA diversity is low.

  • Darcy

    I agree with Thomas there, the fact that you’ve loaded this utter nonsense onto others is just pathetic. I’m what you call a ‘Lockel’, lived here all my life. It’s actually a really good town, most people work. We’re not unintelligent, I’m currently doing A Levels at Bridgwater College in Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Physcology. I’m going to Cambridge University to study Medical Science. So for someone who has been born and bred in Bridgwater, I’m obviously not stupid, and neither do I smell. My mother too was born and bred in Bridgwater and has a high income. So myself, and my family, are a prime example that your logic is utter rubbish.

  • Thomas

    For one to know so much – you must live or have lived here. Fine, you chose to move – but don’t tar everyone with the same brush. Bridgwater is and always has been a hard working town. Sure, it has its share of down and outs, which town doesn’t – but if the chips are down people pull together.
    My family come under the ‘Grockels’ catagory that you describe above. We chose to live here and have never looked back on where we lived prior to this (probably a place you have moved to full of unfriendly people who are very opinionated and think they are better than others).

    Sad you really even bothered to give Bridgwater another thought in your life if you moved away. I am glad you did, perhaps if people were like you who lived here, we would not enjoy it so much.

    Have a good life.

    A happy Grockel proud to say we live in Bridgwater.

  • traveller

    blackmonk-

    let me guess you are 16 or 17???